Monday, August 20, 2012

Up in da gym, workin' on my fitness

I thought I should devote an entry to my second home, the gym. And although it may be informative, it would not be very entertaining for me to list the exact order of the machines I work out on and for how long, or what my highest treadmill speed is, or what work-out song I listened to last Wednesday at 7:04. If any weirdos, oops I mean special people, do want to know that stuff, feel free to contact me as long as you're not a crazy stalker.

Anyway, while I spend most of my time in the gym having laser-like focus (haha) on the work-out at hand, my mind does tend to wander sometimes, especially while doing cardio. So here is a consolidation of some of my random thoughts in the gym. These are not all from one day. That would be kind of spastic and I would need to be evaluated for ADHD.

0600: It's so early. Why didn't I stay in bed? I mean, I'm sure I burn lots of calories sleeping since I tend to kick my legs. It's almost like cardio!

0605: Ahhhh, 45 minutes on the elliptical. Maybe I should just do 30? No, Kristen! Stay strong! Maybe 35?

0610: The guy in front of me is kind of hot.The view makes this easier. Oh crap, he saw me looking!

0625: Why is this random song on my playlist? Listening to "I Touch Myself" doesn't really pump me up, plus it's a bit creepy.

0635:  This place has too many mirrors. I mean, I get you need to check your form or whatever, but this many mirrors is really overkill and cruel to the majority of American women who are not built like supermodels.

0645:  Done with elliptical! No, you can do 5 more minutes. Just do it. It's good for you, like broccoli. Or cheeseburgers. Wait, no thinking about cheeseburgers.

0655: I feel kind of hardcore with all this sweat. Also, kind of gross.

0700:  I don't think my arm can physically lift this weight one more time. Maybe I should use the other arm to help it up. Wait, no. That just looks special.

0715:  My legs are killing me. I feel like I should wear a sign saying, "Please excuse me. I don't normally walk like an 80-year-old woman with severe arthritis."

0720:  There is just no flattering way to do a sit-up, especially the ones where you stick your legs in the air.  Whatever. When I get my abs of steel soon, people will be so distracted by their sheer perfection that they won't notice how stupid I look.

0725:  Do not think about how your foot was run over by a treadmill as a child. DO NOT THINK ABOUT IT. Ummm, I just thought about. I will never like treadmills.

0730:  I should just walk at a 2.0 today. Running at 5.0 can't burn that many more calories, can it? Quit bullshitting yourself, you lazy bum. Of course it burns way more calories. 

0745:  Tired of my music. Should I listen to the morning news or a rerun of Keeping Up With the Kardashians? I'll try the news like a responsible, informed adult. There, 5 whole minutes of news watched. I've done my duty. Now Kardashians.

0755:  Why did this woman have to get on the treadmill right next to me when there are 10 billion other ones open? Especially since she must be some kind of genetically engineered 70-year-old because I know normal 70-year-olds just do not run that fast. Way to make me feel inferior, you evil mutant. I bet she doped her water and that's how she is doing it. Yeah, that's it.

0800:  Wow, I love how I look and feel like a graceful gazelle running through the wilds of Africa when I run on the treadmill. Wait, just caught a glimpse of myself in that damn mirror. Make that a clumsy hippo lumbering through the wilds of Africa with the panicked eyes of an animal being chased by a lion. But in a gazelle-like fashion.

0810:  Done! Now to hobble out to my car and resist the 10 million fast food restaurants between me and my apartment. Until we meet again tomorrow, gym!

So yeah, now you see the inner workings of my mind. Be afraid.

No comments:

Post a Comment