Haters gonna hate

 Full disclosure...I don't actually think I have any haters (that I know of anyway). I just really like saying, "Haters gonna hate." For your enjoyment (and my own), please gaze upon this picture:

 While there are no actual haters, I do get weird looks or eye rolls every now and then concerning the changes I have made in my life. For example, I made an admittedly super-cheesy motivational poster to put on my wall. My sister could not stop cracking up about it. But you know what? That's okay, because as cheesy as that poster might be, it works for me and that is what's important. Another example would be food situations. Sometimes my orders at restaurants have to be really specific in order to get what I need. I felt really high-maintenance and self-conscious at first about this. I've made my peace with it now. I'm polite when I order and I leave good tips, so if the waiter wants to think I'm high-maintenance, that's his problem. There have also been situations where I choose to stay away from higher-calorie foods, and sometimes get comments about how I have to loosen up and eat that stuff. I guess peer pressure doesn't go away after high school! The truth is that sometimes I do eat higher-calorie foods, but when I do, it is because I planned for it and because I want to do that, not because someone else told me I should. I've found that usually when people try to pressure you to do unhealthy things like that, it is because they are on some level trying to justify their own unhealthy behaviors (hey, I took 2 whole psychology courses in college, so I totally know what I am talking about lol).

Anyway, the thing is, 6 months ago I could not have written the above paragraph (well, I guess I could have physically written it, but I wouldn't have meant it). I've been a people-pleaser my whole life. I have always cared way too much about what people thought of me. I would sometimes give so much of myself to everyone else so that they would be happy and like me, that there was very little left to make myself happy. I think maybe whether I admitted or not, I equated putting my happiness first as being selfish. If someone were to disapprove of something I was doing (like the situations above), I would pretty much automatically think that I was wrong and should change what I was doing.

Does this mean I think I'm always right now? As much as I wish I were always right, I know that I'm not. But there is a difference between taking others' opinions into consideration, and just taking their opinion as absolute fact. My opinion matters too. There is also a difference between helping other people out because it is just a nice thing to do, and helping people out to the exclusion of your own needs because you should and so that they will think highly of you. I know that sometimes my needs come first, even if other people disagree. Not all the time, but not none of the time either. Sometimes people will disagree with what I am doing to change my life, and that's okay. It doesn't mean I have to change my behavior to suit them. It doesn't mean we are enemies. It just means we have a difference of opinion. I can't change how other people act. I can only change how I react to their behavior (wow, that sounded kind of smart). In the end, I am the only one who has to look in the mirror and be okay with myself (because it would be really creepy if other people were looking over my shoulder at me in the mirror). For the first time in a long time, I am putting myself first and making healthy changes. And while it feels great to have so many people cheering me on, the truth is that even if there were no one cheering me on, I would still know that what I am doing is the right thing. For me, that is really something to celebrate.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

Whew, I got myself back on track this week! I lost 4.6 lbs, which is great, but even if the number had not been so good, I would have felt good about the effort I put in this week (well, honestly I probably would have been a little irritated too if the number hadn't been good). I wouldn't say that I was really that much off track before, maybe that I just had one wheel off the track. But that one wheel made me feel very off balance and uncomfortable. I think I just felt like it was important for me to be rock solid in my routines as we head into the holiday season, a.k.a. Temptation Hell. It is good to know that my past unhealthy behaviors are what make me feel uncomfortable now, instead of my new healthy habits.

Anyway, I wanted to write about something that I still struggle with sometimes, and that struggle has been highlighted somewhat by the holiday season. I struggle with the balance between cutting myself some slack and keeping myself accountable. .It's hard to be decisive about it. There are no hard and fast rules to use here, and a million decisions to make every day, each one different. The holiday season has really brought to light this daily fight, because now there are a million temptations around. It's easy to decide that I will not go crazy eating and not exercise, and it's easy to say that I will let myself eat what I want on Christmas Day. But what about all the decisions that lie between? For example, I have a Christmas party this Sunday that I'm sure will be packed with goodies. Should I only eat one thing? Can I let myself have two things? Just where is the line between cutting myself some slack and making excuses to pig out? Sometimes that line is very blurry. Sometimes it seems easier to just not give in to any temptation at all, rather than to have to agonize about the right amount of temptation to give into. But at the same time, I know that this is my life now and it is not practical to go through life never having any treats. That would make me very grumpy indeed.

Another example would be my workouts last week. I felt super guilty about not working out 2 days in a row when I was out of town for my grandmother's funeral. Even though I know it probably would have made me feel better, I just wasn't in the mood to try to run in the freezing cold (I admit that I am spoiled by the gym) during that sad time. But I still don't know if I should give myself a pass for that. Was it okay to cut myself a little slack then, or should I accept no excuses from myself? It's hard to know. I think my smarter side believes that it was okay to do that, as long as I got right back to my routine when I got home, which I did. The truth is that sometimes that weight loss cannot be your number one priority, and that was one of those times.  There is always a little voice in the back of my head telling me the reasonable and true answer, but sometimes that voice gets drowned out by all the other thoughts going on in there. I always will have to guard against extreme behavior by listening to that little voice, because if I'm not careful I could revert back to either extreme slothdom (actual word? not sure), or driving myself relentlessly. That's why my blog title is so appropriate, because when I take away all the calorie counting and workouts and scales, I am left with the one thing that it all boils down to: finding the space in between all or nothing.

You say poTAYto, I say meet my mortal enemy poTAHto

It's been a rough week, actually really just kind of a rough month period. While I am still proud of myself overall for losing weight during such a difficult period, I cannot ignore the fact that my weight loss has not been where I want it to be the past couple of weeks. This past week I mainly attribute that to not working out when I was out of town for my grandmother's funeral and an increased amount of, for lack of a better word, snacking. By snacking, I don't mean healthy snacks. That kind of snacking is fine. I mean, the grazing type of snacking where you take a bite of this and a bite of that, and don't think you need to include those little bites in your food journal. Well, as much as I wish those little bites had no calories, the cold hard truth is that they do have calories, and those calories can add up quickly. Anyway, I'm back home now, and I fully plan on killing it on the scale this week. Also, since I could use a laugh right about now, I will now rehash me cooking and eating Thanksgiving dinner while trying desperately to strike a balance between not shoveling crazy amounts of food in my mouth and not letting myself eat anything yummy and high-calorie food at all. Just FYI, my Thanksgiving plan was to eat what I wanted for that one meal, and then not have any leftovers (besides white meat turkey) and get right back on track.

0700: Alarm goes off, signifying optimistic resolution from the night prior to run outside since the gym is closed. Snuggle deeper in nice, warm bed. Chastise self for being lazy. Finally get up.

0715: Ssoooooooo cold. Missing climate controlled gym and elliptical. Treadmill, not so much. Keep trucking along. Add a few crazy dance moves in time to music to keep things interesting. Glance furtively around to see if anyone saw.

0900: Arrive at parents' house to begin my first year of being in charge of dinner since my mom is out of commission due to hand surgery the day before. Try to ignore the fact that I am freakishly tired due to severe sleep deprivation the past few days. Also try to ignore the fact that I have to go into work for 8 hrs at midnight. Briefly wish that I could even tolerate the taste of coffee, since caffeine is sorely needed at this time.

0915: Being slightly OCD, formulate exact plan of attack towards dinner with order of dishes being prepared and time put in oven. Put my sous chef (aka my sister) to work chopping various things. Recruit my dad to deal with turkey, since that whole thing perplexes me somewhat. Also, I'm not into reaching up a turkey's butt to get the giblets out. As happens every year, question what giblets are actually intended to be used for.

1130: Have my sister cook sausage since I know I would be sorely tempted to sample a few bites.

1145: Briefly scold myself for not taking my dad up on his offer to just buy a prepared Thanksgiving dinner this year, as I am beginning to wonder if the prep work and insane of amount of chopping will ever end. Remind myself that family traditions are very important to me, and I may actually be grateful for the experience later.

1158: Go see Santa on TV for the Macy's parade! Sadly, the only part of the parade I get to watch this year.

1245: Am absurdly grateful to my mom for having a plethora of both mixing bowls and casserole dishes, since they are all needed on this day.

1300: Get immense amount of satisfaction in my time-management-loving heart from seeing finished dishes all ready to go into the oven exactly on time, as specified in OCD list from this morning.

1305: Get down to business with the deviled eggs. Take 1 bite to make sure ingredients are in proper proportions. Pop whole hard-boiled egg in my mouth partially because I am really hungry and partially to block my mouth from inhaling anymore mayonnaise-laden deviled egg mixture. Scold myself for not eating breakfast like an idiot.

1315: Pop deviled eggs in fridge and away from my line of vision.

1320: Prepare to attack my enemy, the mashed potatoes. Realize that I have very little self-control when it comes to our family recipe for mashed potatoes, which involves a large amount of Duke's mayonnaise (sounds disgusting, but is completely delicious). Take one bite to see if ingredients are in the right proportions. Decide more mayonnaise is needed. In an attempt to regain control over this situation, recruit both dad and sister to taste potatoes as more ingredients are added. Successfully refrain from taking any more bites myself.

1330: Eye mashed potatoes with both longing and hatred. We now have a love-hate relationship.

1400: Get everything out of the oven and breathe sigh of relief that it all at least looks like what my mom usually makes. Get it on the table ASAP, so it will all still be hot, and so my routine-loving stomach that is used to both eating at noon and eating breakfast will finally be satiated.

1415: Take pics of my beautiful table. Duh, for posterity.

1420: Say what we're thankful for, then FOOD TIME!

1425: Get some turkey first. Opt for white meat, even though I really want dark. I mean, I'm not even that into turkey, so I have to save my calories for the stuff I really like. Spoon appropriate amounts of sweet potatoes, squash casserole, and stuffing on my plate.

1430: Square off against my foes: rolls, deviled eggs, and mashed potatoes. Take 1 roll and 2 deviled eggs like the disciplined person I am. Painstakingly spoon a somewhat smaller portion of mashed potatoes than I have taken in previous years onto my plate.

1445: Realize that while my body may still like the taste of all this rich food, after months of healthy food, it physically rejects rich food somewhat. Feel kind of like crap, even though I didn't actually eat all that much. Don't eat seconds, both because that was part of the plan and because my stomach cannot deal with anymore. Decide to eat dessert later.

1530: Try to take nap, hoping nausea will go away.

1615:  Give up on nap, but nausea has lessened somewhat. Realize that it will be a lllooooonnnng night at work.

1800: Freak out on my dad for buying iced sugar cookies that I used to love. Feel a bit guilty for pressuring him to eat them as fast as possible so that I can't. 

2000: Realize I need to eat something before work. Resolve to stick with my plan, and make white meat turkey sandwich on my normal double-fiber wheat bread, eschewing my normal turkey on leftover rolls tradition. Pass on calorie-laden casseroles. Decide I can have 2 deviled eggs. See mashed potatoes in fridge. Since my intention in this blog is to be totally honest, I will now confess that I succumbed to the allure of the mashed potatoes despite my previous no leftovers rule, although again I kept myself in check with the portion. The bitter taste of shame mixed with deliciousness in my mouth (haha, just kidding. They were just plain delicious, although I was a bit ashamed).

0000: Arrive at work to see that managers, no doubt attempting to be kind, have left chips, pastries, and candy galore for us to eat. I actually added decadent chocolate cupcakes to the mix as well. Resolve that I will not eat anything.

0300: Breaktime. So tired that my eyelids are burning, but even in foggy sleep-deprived state, recognize that I need to stick to my plan for my own self-respect. Also realize that I'm not even hungry, because duh, it's not like I normally eat at 3:00 in the morning. Have some water and rest head on table.

0600: Have co-worker tell me that my cupcakes are delicious. Resist eating one, equal parts because I want to stick with my plan and because I am so tired that I don't think I could lift one to my mouth.

0745: Drive home in sleepy haze. Consider sleeping in clothes. Put in on pajamas but leave contacts in because I don't even remember to take them out.

1230: Wake from coma-like sleep. Am somewhat confused about what day it is. Observe my cats giving me confused stares about why we are sleeping in the middle of the day. Fervently wish to go back to sleep, but get out of bed so I won't be unable to sleep that night and also to visit with my brother.

1245:  Don't really know what meal to eat. Decide night shift is definitely not for me. Eat some oatmeal.

Friday-present day: Succeed in resolution to not eat anymore leftovers!

So did I do exactly what I set out to do food-wise on Thanksgiving? No, I didn't, but I would say I followed the plan for the most part except for a few minor lapses, as outlined above. Best of all, I managed to lose weight in a week where the majority of Americans probably gain a pound or two. And I am happy to say that I think I have a pretty healthy attitude about holiday food now. It's important for me to keep in control with my eating, but it is equally important that I not feel deprived on these special days. Another win for moderation.

Some days you're the dog and other days you're the fire hydrant

My friends, it has been a while! Not by my choice though. Life tends to throw out curveballs now and then, and this time life was kind of a jerk and decided that what I really needed was a kidney infection and stone the day before I was set to hit my 100 lb milestone. One minute I was fine, and the next I was burning up and rocking back and forth in agony. Also, when trying to go to the doctor, I not only discover a flat tire, but my car battery died as well. Fun times! So sadly, on my weigh-in day, I kind of glanced down at the scale, saw that I had hit my goal, and promptly celebrated by dragging myself back to bed. Not exactly the kind of celebration I had in mind.

Being off my routine put me in a funk all week. Plus, to be honest, I was just really pissed at the unfairness of me getting sick during such an important week. I mean, I had been anticipating this milestone for 20 weeks, and then I couldn't even really enjoy it. But if I know nothing else about myself, it is that I am freakishly resilient and also usually manage to find some nugget of good in a bad situation, or at least a funny story. Case in point: As I sat stranded in my car, crying and sick, after the flat tire AND dead battery, I couldn't help but think that I would laugh later on about the sheer improbability of that situation. Because seriously, what are the odds of having both those things happen on the exact same day?

Anyway, like I said, I just felt off all week. I couldn't go to the gym. I couldn't eat much at all, and what I could actually manage to keep down wasn't the healthiest. I didn't feel like writing in my blog. Over the course of the last 20 weeks, I have formed all these healthy habits and when they were suddenly taken away, I was surprised at just how deeply it affected me emotionally. I have written before about my continuous great mood since I started this journey, but I didn't realize just how intrinsically that mood and my healthy habits were connected. Last week also taught me just how easily habits can be broken. After days of barely eating anything at all, eating some pizza didn't seem like such a big deal. I didn't think I really needed to include little things like mini Crunch bars in my food log. What was one more day of not going to the gym? Finally, I took a step back and thought, "Who is this girl and why the hell is she acting like a delusional idiot?" Stupid excuses like those are what got me to 328 lbs and miserable before. I simply refused to go there again. So I gave myself a firm talking-to and shook myself out of my funk enough to start eating my normal food again and get to the gym. And you know what? After a couple days of my normal routine, my funk is gone. I'm back to normal and super excited about my life.

While I won't say I'm exactly glad I had a little hiccup in my journey, I am grateful for the lesson I learned. Being so happy now, it's easy to forget just how miserable I was before. So I'm grateful for the reminder of where I never want to be again. After all, the saying "Those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it" is not just a quote that history teachers use in order to get kids to learn about a bunch of wars. I'm not a fan of dwelling on the past, but I think a little reminder every now and then does a lot of good.

I thought that my blog entry this week would be about reaching my 100 pound milestone and how I celebrated it. But as last week taught me, sometimes things don't go as planned. That 100 pound blog entry is without a doubt important, and one that will probably be written next. I had to write what I was feeling right now. Right now my feelings are all about falling down, getting back up, and the importance of remembering where I have been in order to better appreciate where I am now and where I am going. Wow, that last sentence sounded all introspective...kudos to me! Please feel free to insert corny life lesson music here.

Losing weight without pills, a super secret magic spell, or crazy gimmicks? What a concept!

Recently, I've had a lot of people asking me how I am losing this weight. When I tell them that I am just exercising 6 days a week and eating an 80% clean diet, I get a lot of sad or disbelieving looks. Because sadly,  many people are impatient and/or lazy, and want a quick fix. The sad looks are mainly from people who were hoping I was using some pill or maybe a magic spell to lose weight, something that they can do too.  The disbelieving looks are from people who just can't believe that something they have pretty much known their entire lives (namely, MOVE and don't eat a bunch of fake crap), could actually result in real weight loss. And honestly, 96.2 lbs ago, I might not have said no to a pill or magic spell. And I had my doubts that exercise and good nutrition could result in the massive amount of weight loss I needed to have happen. After all, 200 pounds is a pretty overwhelming amount of weight to lose. Now, I would not ever doubt my method and most of all, I wouldn't trade the experience I am having for a quick fix. There is something innately satisfying to work hard week after week, to know that you are making your body healthier and stronger every day, to see those numbers start to add up to something great. I have really put my blood, sweat, and tears into doing this (well, not really my blood, but definitely sweat and some happy tears). Why would I deprive myself of the chance to see that hard work and determination can bring me results that some people thought were not possible without gastric bypass? Now this is a cliche that I hear all the time on The Biggest Loser, but it really is true, so bear with me. It's about the journey, not the destination. If I waved my magic wand right now and was magically 128 lbs, what would I have learned? How would I have changed beyond the physical? I would just be the same unhappy girl who used food as comfort, the same girl with terrible self esteem, the same girl with awful exercise habits, just in a thinner body. And let me tell you, I know for sure that weight would come right back on because I would have learned nothing. So I treasure the time it is taking me to lose the weight, because I am getting so much more out of this experience than pounds lost on a scale.

I believe the secret to my success lies in the title to my blog....the space in between all or nothing (handy how that worked out, huh?). I have always been an extreme girl, as I've said before. It was either leaving a permanent butt indention in the couch and eating a diet that relied heavily on fast food and the absence of fruit and vegetables, or staying in the gym for hours and hours at a time, and eating iceberg lettuce and canned crab. The word moderation was not in my vocabulary. It is now. I truly believe I can maintain my current diet and exercise habits the rest of my life. Now, I'm not saying I don't have to make some sacrifices, or that I don't have some hard days. I have to find new ways to stay motivated every day. I try to work out 6 days a week, but if I miss a day, that is okay. I just go back the next day. I try to eat mainly fruits and vegetables, lean meats, and low fat dairy. I try to stay away from food in a box. But this past weekend, I had some peach pie and ice cream. And that's okay! And also, I eat a low sugar fudgecicle as a treat 3-4 times a week. Is that the most nutritious thing in the world? No, it's not, but it has a minimal amount of calories and I really enjoy them. So I eat them and I don't punish myself for that.  The difference from my crazy extreme habits before is that this is not so hard and miserable that I want to slam my head against a wall when I think of doing this for the rest of my life. When I say before, you may think I am referring to just my crazy gym rat and canned crabbed days, but I am actually also referring to my couch potato days. Was it hard physically to sit on a couch and eat crap? Nope, but it was extremely hard to endure what that was doing my body and self-esteem. And it did definitely make me miserable, and I did sometimes want to slam my head against a wall when thinking about where a lifetime of those bad habits would get me.

I am so much healthier now physically, and just as important, mentally and emotionally. What am gaining through this journey so far outweighs the sacrifices I make that it was never even a contest. Whenever I want to eat something bad for me or skip my workout, I don't punish myself for these thoughts like before. I just ask myself if doing those things would be being kind to my body. My new philosophy is all about being kind to myself, and not tearing myself apart.

I feel kind of weird giving advice on how to lose weight. Mainly because, I by no means have all the answers. I'm still figuring out a lot of the answers for myself! But at the same time, I can't deny that I have had success. And losing weight this way has given me so much happiness and self-esteem that I can't help but want to tell others how to achieve the same thing. So thanks for allowing me to get on my soapbox (seriously, where did that term even come from?) and be a crazy proponent for the power of moderation. I leave you with this thought-provoking image:

On your mark, get set, don't get kicked in the face!

I have a secret ambition that I will now share with the world (okay, really just the people who read my blog). I have always wanted to do a triathlon. But the thing is, this dream was kind of like me saying, "Oh, I'm going to go to the moon and eat me some moon cheese." I didn't honestly think I could ever do it. This weekend, I got to thinking about it though (always a dangerous move). It's kind of silly that I really believe I can lose 200 lbs, but I still don't think I could do a triathlon. It makes no sense to believe that I could literally lose an obese person from my body, but that I could not train myself to swim, bike, and run. I have never before felt like I could lose all this weight before, but now it's not a question of if, but when I will lose all of it. So if I start having that same belief about triathlons, I'm all set. When I was in high school, I had a really great teacher (shout out to Coach Bo!) who could also be quite scary and demanding at times. But that was why I did so well in his class. He made me read this quote out loud in his class, and when I didn't read it quite dramatically enough the first time, he made me read it again. I never forgot the truth of this quote though:

So obviously, I'm not starting out doing an Ironman competition or anything. I've researched online and there are lots of triathlons for beginners, which is great because 1) I might not look like a complete idiot and 2) I probably won't die. The ones I've found are usually swimming around 1100 yards, biking 20 miles, and running 5 miles. No small feat, but also not so large that I feel like I can't do it. As I've painstakingly found out when losing weight, you just have to have a plan. For example, I didn't just say I was going to lose 200 lbs and expect it happen by magic. I have certain foods I eat as staples, certain foods I usually stay away from, a cardio schedule, a strength-training schedule, a scheduled day that I weigh in. Results don't happen by magic. They happen with hard work and planning. A triathlon is no different. I have to set a training schedule and set small, attainable goals for myself. Luckily, through the power of Google (seriously, what did we do before Google?), I have found tons of helpful sites about training for beginners. I'm pretty excited about this because I've always done better when I had something to work towards. I mean, obviously I'm working towards losing weight, but I think it's healthier to also have a focus other than that scale number that can be so fickle at times.

I feel okay about the swimming part. I've been in the water practically since I was born, and I am a moderately strong swimmer. The thing I worry about is getting kicked in the face and consequently looking something like this when I cross the finish line:

 

Although, come to think of it, I guess that would look pretty hardcore. The biking part, I'm less sure of, but still feel okay about. I just have a feeling 20 miles feels a lot longer than you think it would, but I have been doing a lot of spinning. Guess it's time to pull out my bike to practice for this part. Now the running is the bad part. Five miles is totally doable normally, but I'm not sure how I'll feel about it after swimming and biking 20 miles. Plus, I kind of look like this when I run:

 

Yes, sad but true. I look quite stupid when I run. Guess I'll need to work on form. But anyway, with some hard work, I'm now setting this is as my goal:

 

Only I most likely won't have nearly as well-defined muscles as she does. And hopefully my eyes will be open and I won't look constipated. 

100 pounds of fat on the wall, 100 pounds of fat, take one down, pass it around (wait, that just sounds gross)

So this week, for some reason, the fact that I am so close to losing 100 lbs really sank in. Only 11 pounds to go!  I'm super excited about it. I mean, I celebrate my weight loss every week, but a 100 pound loss? That is something special. That doesn't happen every day. I'm trying to decide what to do to celebrate, so any ideas you have would be welcome. Here are some funny and/or over-the-top ideas I have that will, sadly, not actually happen.

•  Skydive while carrying 100 pounds of animal fat. While I'm falling, I could drop each pound one by one onto the ground in a symbolic gesture of shedding the weight. However, the people that the fat lands on may have a problem seeing the symbolism, and instead only focus on being covered in fat and/or knocked unconscious by said fat. 
• Participate in my fave Biggest Loser "shedding the weight" challenge. And by this, I mean the one in season 5 where they have custom fat suits made to exactly replicate their former bodies. They have to run on the beach wearing the suit and then shed it and run up a mountain with a gigantic flag bearing their name. Although the flag thing may present a problem because all those contestants had very short names and mine is 7 letters. My flag would be so long that I may take off in the air with it. That would be kind of cool too, until the landing.
• Swim in 100 pounds of jello. Actually, it would probably need to be more than 100 pounds to swim in, but it just sounds like fun. Annnnddd.....if it's sugar-free, it could double as a tasty, low-calorie snack!
• Get a 100 second free shopping spree at a farmer's market. I could do some serious damage.
• Weigh in on a gigantic scale wearing a sports bra and spandex shorts. Oh wait, that's a actually a nightmare. The fact that that NEVER has to happen is a definite plus side to not making Biggest Loser.
• Attempt to eat a 100 pound cheeseburger. And then die trying. 
• Get 100 letters of encouragement from my supporters. This one would actually be really awesome, but most likely not feasible. I could wallpaper a wall with the letters! Hey, I already plan to have a wall in my bathroom covered with my motivation poster when I finish it.
• Magically develop 6 pack abs over night. Because right now, like my hipbones and collarbones before, those abs are still in the witness protection program. 

Seriously though, I just can't decide what to do. It can't be that expensive, but I do want it to be special. I've got a little time to decide still, so I guess we'll just see what real ideas come to me.