Wednesday, December 5, 2012

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure

Whew, I got myself back on track this week! I lost 4.6 lbs, which is great, but even if the number had not been so good, I would have felt good about the effort I put in this week (well, honestly I probably would have been a little irritated too if the number hadn't been good). I wouldn't say that I was really that much off track before, maybe that I just had one wheel off the track. But that one wheel made me feel very off balance and uncomfortable. I think I just felt like it was important for me to be rock solid in my routines as we head into the holiday season, a.k.a. Temptation Hell. It is good to know that my past unhealthy behaviors are what make me feel uncomfortable now, instead of my new healthy habits.

Anyway, I wanted to write about something that I still struggle with sometimes, and that struggle has been highlighted somewhat by the holiday season. I struggle with the balance between cutting myself some slack and keeping myself accountable. .It's hard to be decisive about it. There are no hard and fast rules to use here, and a million decisions to make every day, each one different. The holiday season has really brought to light this daily fight, because now there are a million temptations around. It's easy to decide that I will not go crazy eating and not exercise, and it's easy to say that I will let myself eat what I want on Christmas Day. But what about all the decisions that lie between? For example, I have a Christmas party this Sunday that I'm sure will be packed with goodies. Should I only eat one thing? Can I let myself have two things? Just where is the line between cutting myself some slack and making excuses to pig out? Sometimes that line is very blurry. Sometimes it seems easier to just not give in to any temptation at all, rather than to have to agonize about the right amount of temptation to give into. But at the same time, I know that this is my life now and it is not practical to go through life never having any treats. That would make me very grumpy indeed.

Another example would be my workouts last week. I felt super guilty about not working out 2 days in a row when I was out of town for my grandmother's funeral. Even though I know it probably would have made me feel better, I just wasn't in the mood to try to run in the freezing cold (I admit that I am spoiled by the gym) during that sad time. But I still don't know if I should give myself a pass for that. Was it okay to cut myself a little slack then, or should I accept no excuses from myself? It's hard to know. I think my smarter side believes that it was okay to do that, as long as I got right back to my routine when I got home, which I did. The truth is that sometimes that weight loss cannot be your number one priority, and that was one of those times.  There is always a little voice in the back of my head telling me the reasonable and true answer, but sometimes that voice gets drowned out by all the other thoughts going on in there. I always will have to guard against extreme behavior by listening to that little voice, because if I'm not careful I could revert back to either extreme slothdom (actual word? not sure), or driving myself relentlessly. That's why my blog title is so appropriate, because when I take away all the calorie counting and workouts and scales, I am left with the one thing that it all boils down to: finding the space in between all or nothing.

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