Wednesday, July 23, 2014

I guess I heard that dang "Frozen" song so much that I finally took its advice

This is not a post I could have written 2 years ago. Actually, it would be helpful if you read the scale obsession post I actually wrote two years ago called Holding my scale hostage under the bathroom sink (seriously, I do enjoy coming up with these titles every week). This isn't even really a post I could have written 6 months ago. Because this post is all about how the number on the scale is mattering less and less to me. I let it go (hence the "Frozen" reference in the title). I am a recovering scale junkie. I used to weigh myself at least once every day. I would usually weigh myself at least 3 times in a row to make sure I had an accurate reading. I would ABSOLUTELY, no exceptions, only weigh myself naked in the morning before I ate or drank anything and after peeing. It was a whole crazy routine. Like if I had had a glass of water during the night like 4 or 5 hours before, I couldn't weigh that morning because I felt like it wouldn't be accurate. If I happened to be at the doctor and get weighed with clothes AND shoes on (gasp!), I would literally close my eyes so I wouldn't see the number because I knew it would freak me out. I lived and died by the scale. Yes, I kept track of other accomplishments, but the truth was that I only felt good if the scale was moving down.

Eventually, my obsession with the scale grew to annoy me. I started keeping the scale under the sink so I wouldn't feel as tempted to weigh. Yet, it still called to me like the evil temptress it was. It was hard for me to cut back to even just weighing twice a week. I made myself take a two week scale vacation, which kind of backfired because it made me focus more on what I weighed than ever due to anxiety since I couldn't weigh myself. I knew my obsession wasn't healthy, and that as I got closer to my goal weight, it was becoming more important than ever not to let the number on the scale define me, since it wouldn't always be less than the week before.

I couldn't tell you exactly when, but sometime in the past few months, the all-important scale has started taking the backseat in what matters to me. Do I still weigh every week? Yes, I do because it is important to track how I'm doing. After all, I can't afford to backtrack and avoid the scale like I did at my heaviest, so that one month I was 260 lbs and then the next time I stepped on the scale I was 328 lbs. That's not good either obviously. But I don't obsess over weighing now. I don't have a whole crazy routine. I don't feel a compulsion to weigh every day. Once a week is fine for me. It really became clear to me how much I had changed at the nutritionist's office the other week. She wanted to weigh me to see how much I had lost since I had last been there. That would have sent me into a frenzy before. Weighing in the middle of the day after lunch, with clothes and shoes on?!? Absolutely not! But it honestly didn't freak me out now.

Until recently, I had been on what seemed like the longest weight loss plateau known to man. I know now that part of that was due to not eating enough calories. But I also kind of believe that part of it was due to how much thought and worry I put into what the number on the scale would be. It could make or break my whole week. Some people say that it is only when you accept what is and let worry go that things will change. I believe that that is what happened here. I didn't suddenly decide I just didn't care about losing weight anymore; I just decided that what I weighed didn't deserve such an important place in my thoughts. I thought to myself, "Am I healthy? Am I fit? Am I happy?" I answered yes to these things, and began to truly believe that if I focused on living a healthy and active life as a whole, my weight loss would eventually follow of its own accord. It's like when you stop obsessing about forcing certain things to happen, they just happen on their own, naturally. I have been proven right so far. I haven't been losing massive amounts of weight, but I have been steadily losing, aside from the whole kidney stone/vomiting/starvation/dehydration/resultant lowered metabolism thing. And that metabolism seems like it's finally making a rebound thankfully.

So yeah, I feel pretty proud of myself for conquering this crazy scale obsession. I mean, I'm not going to completely forget all about numbers and start saying I'm a "size fabulous" like I'm in a Special K commercial or something, but I'm letting the numbers occupy a much lesser (that sounds weird, but is apparently grammatically correct) percentage of my thoughts and time. Yup, that's just how I roll, mental breakthroughs busting out of me every day...hahaha.

****ADDENDUM****So I wrote this blog post Tuesday night and then went to bed. I always read from my day by day thought book before bed and was surprised to see that the entry for that day was called "Making It Happen." It was like it was tailor-made to go with this blog post...weird! Here's a little excerpt; you'll see what I mean:

Stop trying so hard to make it happen. Stop doing so much, if doing so much is wearing you out or not achieving the desired results. Stop thinking so much and so hard about it. Stop worrying about it. 

Making things happen is controlling. We can take positive action to help things happen. You can do your part, but do your part in relaxed, peaceful harmony. Then let it go. Just let it go. Force yourself to let it go if necessary. 

Seriously, too weird.

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