I went on a little shopping trip the other day since my pants had gotten too big yet again. It was starting to look like I was trying to be gangsta' or something. I could have gotten a gold chain to wear at my waist and maybe a cool grill for my teeth and I would have been all set. So I get to the store, headed to the jean section, and pulled out some 12's. Then I went and got some black pants. I didn't really have any other plans to get other pants because when you grow out of them as quickly as I do, it really only makes sense to stick with the basics. But then I decided to check out the clearance racks. I saw a pair of cute green pants in a 12 for a great price. But they were cut skinny. Let me tell you, obese people and skinny jeans or pants do not mix. Well, actually I don't even think they made skinny jeans in my size before. That's because clothes designers are not stupid. They know that gigantic love handles and extremely tight pants are just a bad idea. You're welcome for that graphic image. Pants like that were forbidden to wear by people like the old me.
Anyway, I really wanted these pants. But I didn't think the 12's would work. They just looked too small for my bod. I still took them back to the fitting room, but I also grabbed a 14 and a 16. I started with the 16's. Way too big. I moved on to the 14's, certain those would fit. Still too big. So finally, I grabbed those 12's and pulled them on. I expected to have to suck it in, maybe lay down on the bench in order to zip them. They zipped up with no problem. I still hesitated to look in the mirror, because a tiny but loud part of my brain was still telling me that I had no business trying on pants like those. That pants like those were for normal people, not fat people. I was afraid to look in the mirror and still see a body that disgusted me. I finally looked...and I saw a normal person. No, I'm not going to say I looked like a supermodel in those pants (partly because I'm pretty sure 5'1" supermodels don't exist), but I will say that I looked good in them. I looked good in those freaking skinny pants.
So while I was happy that I could honestly believe I looked good, I was still left wondering why I usually try on clothes that end up being way too big. I think it's because I'm scared the clothes will still be too little for me. It's much, much better to have things be too big. I'm pretty sure this can be traced back to the fact that when I was at my heaviest, it was all I could do to squeeze into the largest sizes most stores carried. So the reality then was if I tried on something that was too small, I was just out of luck. Consequently, I had a bunch of pants that I actually did have to lay down to zip. I think another part of it is that I'm still not used to this new body. This is apparently a pretty common problem among people who have lost a significant amount of weight. I mean, obviously I realize I'm smaller, but it's still hard to really grasp just how much smaller I am. So that means when I see size 12 skinny pants, my first thought is still that I would fit in a 16, not a 12. It means when I sit in a restaurant booth or movie theater seat, I still sometimes have a momentary flash of fear that I will not fit, even though it has been many months now since those things have been a problem. I spent a long time in that heavier body, and I can't be expected to get used to this much smaller one overnight. Slowly but surely though, I am getting used to how I look now.