Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Give me bread or give me death!

It's no secret that the scale and I have not been exactly BFFs lately. I have tried to be patient. I have tried to just keep being good, and not use the lack of scale movement as an opportunity to emotionally eat like a mo fo (I have no idea where that particular phrase came just seemed appropriate). I have succeeded for the most part. But my patience was dwindling. I wanted to scream at my scale, "WHY WILL YOU NOT FREAKING MOVE?!?" So obviously, before I went psychotic, something had to change. After all, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Drastic measures were called for.

So, thus began what I will call "The week of no fun food." It is a week with extremely little amounts of carbohydrates, sugar, and sodium. If you were not aware, this eliminates a very large quantity of food. Also, I am drinking over 100 ounces of water a day. This is NOT a long term plan, at least not to this magnitude. My bad memories of what happened when I tried crazy diets long term before are still crystal clear. But this week is intended to kick start my metabolism and get me out of this stupid plateau I am stuck in. Today was Day 3. It's already been a long week. Here's a summary so far:


0500: I weighed in 2 days earlier than normal so I could have a baseline measurement. Guess what? This plan is starting not a moment too soon. I have lost 0 (not even a decimal!) pounds since last week!?! 

0700 (after gym): I miss oatmeal! Also, I hate drinking water this early.

1200: Okay, so obviously no bread for a sandwich. Not even a ham roll-up because the sodium in ham is alarmingly high. That leaves me with...Greek yogurt and almonds. Seriously? Must go grocery shopping ASAP.

1800 (at work): I feel an almost visceral hatred towards the cruel person who put all this junk food in the break room when I am starving. Cheez-its never looked so good.

2200 (when inputting my calorie intake for the day): And that's why I'm hungry. Calories are waaayyyy too low! Oops.


0300 (wonder in kitchen due to hunger, see sister's leftovers from Outback in fridge): OMG, is that a loaded baked potato?!? Are those noodles?!? French fries?!? (Slams refrigerator door closed harder than necessary) Drink yet more water instead of cramming deliciousness in the form of fried food in my mouth. 

0700: I am officially sick of hard boiled eggs. I think part of the problem is that they are eaten so fast.

1300: Okay, all this peeing is getting old. I think all the water is just running straight through me. People probably think I have some kind of weird bathroom fetish since I am in there so much.

1500: Upside of no carbs? Enough calories left over to eat some cheese! Yum!

2100: Why yes, it does seem like an extremely smart idea to bake a birthday cake when I am able to eat precisely NONE of it. Sweet temptation, why do you torture me?


0500: Mixed feelings before my weigh-in. If I haven't lost weight, then I can eat carbs again since the plan is not working! But also if I haven't lost weight, what the hell else am I supposed to do? Step on scale...down 1.2 lbs since Monday! Something worked...hallelujah! Soooo I guess that means I have no reason to stop this torturous plan.

1100: I have come to the conclusion that I have a carb addiction. I mean, at least it's not bad carbs like it used to be, but I don't think normal people enjoy carbs this much.

1800: Finally make it to the grocery store. I eat a snack beforehand, but the bakery section still beckons to me with all of its delicious white flour and sugar. I resist demonic bakery section.

1810: Honestly, does everything in the entire world have sodium and sugar? Really, I am at a loss to explain why this bag of lettuce has sodium. All I am asking for is a delicious food that is low calorie, low carbohydrate, low sodium and sugar, high protein, high fiber, and high in omega-3's. I don't think that is too much to ask for, right?

1845: Well, at least I can be excited about the strawberries. Also, I will be eating A LOT of mushrooms this week since they can substitute for bread sometimes.

2000: Contemplate just setting up shop in the bathroom. Or perhaps catheterizing myself. The peeing is ridiculous.

And there's still 4 whole days of fun to go! Well, if it makes my scale start cooperating, it will be worth it. I could never ever do something like the Atkins diet long term though. I think I would literally go crazy. I would probably rob a bakery or something. I could see myself crying to the police, "I only wanted some bread man!" I can mostly deal with low sodium, low sugar, and the crazy amounts of water. But as the great Patrick Henry once said, "Give me bread or give me death!" Or something like that.

I just realized that I had written an entry about my carbohydrate infatuation in here before, right when I started. It included a poem, which I will repost here:

Ah, my carbohydrate friends
How I love you without end
Bread, pie, cobbler, cake
So many things that I want to bake!
The evils of white flour
Against you I have no power
I wish I could hate you foods with trans fat
But the truth is that I would eat you by the vat
Tacos, pizza, burgers, fries
Oh, the fat kid in me cries!
Hypertension, diabetes, fatty liver
My carb friends are such givers
Oh my carb friends, how I love thee
But the culinary delights you give are not free
I know I cannot have you in my belly
Or it will shake like a bowlful of jelly

 My writing genius is extremely evident here, am I right? 

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