Thursday, September 20, 2012

Daily Dilemmas: The epic battle of multigrain bread versus the Baconator

Many people who have never had to lose weight before may think that this venture involves only one, or maybe just a few decisions. The main decision being, "Do I want to lose weight?" So obviously, I've answered that one. Another question could be, "Why did God make cheeseburgers taste so good, while simultaneously being so bad for you?" I mean, that was just kind of evil. Anyway, there are actually a million little decisions I have to make every single day in order to keep losing weight. Sometimes I make the wrong one. But I figure as long as I usually make the right one, I'm doing okay. So, for your entertainment, another foray into my mind:

0600: iPhone alarm goes off playing scarily upbeat motivational song while simultaneously reading "Get up you lazy bum!" on the screen. Seriously consider staying in bed and being a lazy bum. Get out of bed: WIN

0615: Weigh, even though I weighed 2 days ago, or resist urge to act like a crazy, scale-obsessed freak? Behave like a freak, rationalizing that the scale gets lonely in its exile under the bathroom sink and needs the company: FAIL

0630: 30 or 45 minutes on the elliptical? Spend first 5 minutes fulfilling my iPhone's prophecy of being a lazy bum, and resolving to definitely only do 30 minutes. Get motivated and push through 45 minutes, going manically at the end in order to beat the previous day's time: WIN

0715: Walk at leisurely pace on treadmill while enjoying TV and simultaneously guiltily watching the evil mutant seniors sprinting beside me, or exert myself and be distracted from TV because of my imminent death from exertion? Exert myself (and manage not to die): WIN

0800: Strength training and torture protesting limbs more while feeling virtuous, or get the heck out of this torture chamber? Book it out of gym pronto, while guiltily glancing at weights: FAIL

0805: Stop at one of the SEVEN fast food restaurants (America's obesity epidemic: not such a mystery) in the 2 miles between my apartment and the gym for a greasy heart attack on a biscuit breakfast, or go home and eat nutritionally sensible, though slightly boring, oatmeal? Eat oatmeal, and get a little crazy adding some strawberries in to jazz it up: WIN

0830: Throw ingredients in the Crockpot for dinner or wing it when I come home? Burn bonus calories by having to forcefully wrestle apart the frozen chicken breasts I forgot to thaw the night before: WIN (and fail on the chicken breast part)

0905: Drive by Krispy Kreme on the way to work. Succumb to hypnotic smell of glazed goodness or pass right on by? Inhale delicious scent and drive right past: WIN

0925: Get excitedly told by manager that there are Krispy Kreme donuts in the breakroom. Try to resist urge to a) severely hurt her, b) run screaming away from donuts, or c) shove donuts directly in my piehole. Resist all 3 counterproductive urges and calmly tell her I already ate breakfast: WIN

1200: Those damn fast food restaurants are still taunting me! Meet my downfall in the form of the disturbingly named "Baconator" or eat previously packed ham on wheat, string cheese, and apple? The Baconator does not destroy me today: WIN

1530: Hungry! Eat leftover pizza my sister put in the fridge to torment me, or have Greek yogurt? Fight to resist urge to a) severely hurt sister, b) run screaming from pizza, or c) cram pizza in aforementioned piehole. Heroically resist all 3 urges, eat Greek yogurt, and make mental note to self that people offering you junk food are not out to get you. Also make mental note to stop fantasizing about maiming fellow human beings: WIN

1600: Take nap or gym again? Seriously consider each, and tempt myself with nap by thinking of the many proven benefits of power naps. Resist my pillow and hit the gym: WIN

1600-1800: No need to rehash gym dilemmas. They never change! Manage to do strength training and cardio this time: WIN

1830: Yum, healthy version of sesame chicken in the Crockpot! Eat 2 chicken breasts or eat brown rice? Eat 2 chicken breasts because, though I used to eat carbs like nobody's business, I now crave protein like I'm some grossly overdeveloped bodybuilder: WIN

2000:  TV time: sit on the couch in a reality show-induced stupor, or jump up during commercials and do sit-ups like the Energizer bunny on steroids? The stupor sounds better tonight: FAIL

2015: Succumb to the allure of sugar-free Fudgecicles, or abide by my no-eating-at-night rule? Alas, I have an addiction to these 80 calorie bites of deliciousness on a wooden stick (although weirdly enough, I can't stand having my tongue actually touch the wooden stick): FAIL

2300: Bedtime. Set alarm for soul-crushingly early time time, or sleep later like the lazy bum I masochistically set my iPhone to tell me that I am? Set alarm and consider making a kinder wake-up message on phone: WIN

So, in hindsight, hopefully everyone can read military time. I'm not changing the times now! Sorry, guess it's the nurse in me. If you can't decipher it, google it. It's not hard. Hope everyone enjoyed this venture into my thoughts.

Also, as promised last week, an update on the results of  increasing my calories. I lost 5.2 lbs! So weird to think eating more calories did that.

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