Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone

Ah, this post. It has been permeating (SAT word!) in my mind for the past couple of weeks. Like some of the harder posts I've written before, it demanded to be written even if it was difficult to share. But as you probably know, my philosophy here has been to be completely honest about what is going on with me because I almost always feel better after sharing. I realize over sharing runs rampant these days with Twitter and the Facebook (haha, I sound like an old geezer), but I think I've been pretty reasonable about my sharing. I mean, I haven't shown you guys any crazy naked loose skin pics or anything! I apologize for that image.

Anyway, so today I wanted to discuss dating. Or to be more accurate, my lack of dating. This is kind of embarrassing for me to discuss. I have a mental image of people reading this and putting up a big L for loser on their forehead (do people still do that?). Because I kind of feel like a loser sometimes when I think about how little dating experience I have compared to other 28-year-olds (ahhhh, when I write it out it reminds how close to 30 I'm getting). But what I hope will happen is that some people will read this and realize they're not the only ones who have struggled with this. Some of you may be thinking, "Umm, I thought this was a weight loss blog. What the hell does dating have to with weight loss?" In my case, it has a lot to do with weight loss. I wish I could tell you that when I weighed 328 lbs, I was a confident woman who believed that men could see past my size to the real me. That is what the Lifetime movie version of me would be like. However, I was not that woman, and I am somewhat sad to say that we live in a world where physical appearance plays way too important a role. I'm not going to be so pessimistic as to say that guys who could see past my size don't exist. I'll just say that they are very tough to find. But in actuality, it wouldn't have mattered if a guy like that was right in front of my nose. My goal at that size was to be invisible. I didn't want anyone to see me, didn't want anyone taking too close of a look. I'm going to take this time to have a little Oprah moment: "You get a car, you get a car, you get a car!" Haha, not that kind of Oprah moment. I believe it is very true that you cannot start to love someone else until you love yourself. I know that sounds incredibly cheesy and cliche. However, that doesn't make it any less true. I think a lot of women think that if they can just find someone who loves them, if they can just find someone who thinks they are worthy, then they will start to believe that about themselves. It doesn't work that way. You have to love yourself and believe in your own worth before you can expect others to do the same. When I was bigger, I couldn't even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I couldn't see anything besides my size. I couldn't see past my own size to all the other things that are awesome about me (if I do say so myself). Whether I knew it or not, I gave off a vibe that said, "I'm not worth anything." I couldn't see who in their right minds could possibly want to be with someone like me. And that's just sad. So yeah, as I've lost weight, of course I've started to like the reflection I see in the mirror. But more than that, I've started to see that I have a lot of really admirable qualities. I also of of course have a few not-so-admirable qualities, but so does everyone. And now I finally feel like I am ready to share all of that with somebody else.

Which brings us dating (insert scary music here). I had to be forreal (fake word) with myself on this one. I can say to myself all I want that now that I'm smaller I'll just go start picking up men right and left at bars. Am I more confident? Yes, but the truth is that  I will never be the pick-up-guys-at-bars type of girl. I know online dating gets a lot of flack, but the idea of it appeals to me. I like the idea of dating someone based not just on the fact that we have mutual friends, but based on the fact that we have a lot of common values, likes, and dislikes. I'm not going to lie though. This totally scares the crap out of me. It is outside my comfort zone, but I'm trying to push through. Part of me keeps thinking I should wait until I hit my goal weight to start. But I recognize that that is the unhealthy perfectionist side of me, and that I am good enough right now, not 46 lbs from now. I can't just not live my life until I'm 128 lbs. It's not like that number is magic and when I hit it men will flock to me or something (although that would be awesome). So I am being brave and filling out a profile on Eharmony. Some of the questions are really weird though. A prime example would be the one where I'm supposed to rate how overweight I am. The scale goes from "Not at all" to "Very." I, of course, am completely stressed out about that one and am over-analyzing. I am by no means stick thin, but I'm also nowhere near what I used to be. I decided to go in the middle and put "somewhat," but then I was stressing that guys would see that and just dismiss me from that alone. I guess I probably wouldn't want guys like that anyway. Why can't they just look at my picture and decide?!? And then we get to the "What are you passionate about" question. I mean, am I supposed to put "world peace and long walks on the beach" or something along those lines? It's such a cheesy question that I can't seem to come up with a non-cheesy answer. Hey, if nothing else my adventures in online dating could provide new funny anecdotes.

I hope to finish filling out the profile tonight. I've kind of been procrastinating finishing because when I do that, it means that this is actually happening. I mean, I hope something happens. Of course, a tiny part of my brain (the same part that tells me I'm still not good enough) is saying, "What if no one wants you?" I just tell that part to shut the hell up while I get my date on though. So with that said, I'm jumping in. Watch out world (or more likely, the greater Wilmington area)!

P.S. Like I said, this is kind of freaking me out. Any words of encouragement, advice, or whatever would be greatly appreciated. Yeah, I'm not above needing confidence boosters lol.

1 comment:

  1. Whoo hooooo!! Go girl!! That is so exciting! And you are right, if they turn away from you because of an overweight status (which is REALLY random) then you don't want/need them anyway!!! Great post! You look awesome!