Fat and Back: Watch out, I'm gettin' my rant on

I watched a show on TLC the other day called Fat and Back. I found it to be truly appalling to the extent that I felt like I needed to address it on here. It really got my goat (I was just looking for an excuse to use that phrase). Basically the show chronicled this woman in the U.K. who was out to prove that all fat people are simply lazy and all it takes to lose weight is moving more and eating less. So she purposely gained 43 lbs to go from 125 lbs to 168 lbs in 3 months, and then tried to lose the same amount of weight in 3 months. Her weight loss plan involved her taking 20,000 steps a day and still eating what she wanted when she was hungry, but just keep it to about 1700 calories a day. And she got a group of 4 people ranging in size from a little chubby to pretty overweight to follow her plan as well.

Here's the thing: I don't disagree with her that a major part of losing weight simply involves moving more and eating less. In fact, I get annoyed when some people ask me how I lost weight and I pretty much give them the same answer (that I work out a lot and eat a clean diet) and they act disappointed upon hearing there is no quick fix. I even agree with her weight loss plan. It seems totally doable. My problem with her is that she is seriously oversimplifying the issues associated with obesity. She also has seemingly no empathy or compassion at all for overweight people, believing that all of them are fat because they choose to eat a ton and be lazy all the time.

There are multiple issues I want to address about this show and this woman and I think probably the most efficient thing to do would be to lay it out in bulleted format (ya'll know I'm serious if I'm breaking out the bullets).

• This woman completely disregards the fact that there is a world of difference between a woman that has been thin her entire life purposely gaining over 40 lbs in a short period of time by eating an extreme amount of junk food and then deciding to lose the weight, and someone who has been overweight their entire life and slowly packed on the pounds every year. I'll be the first to say that I hate it when people use genetics as an excuse for their weight, but the truth is that genetics does play a role. Actually, about 30% of a role to be precise and scientific. My entire family has had weight problems, past and present. Does this mean I can't be thin? No, it doesn't, but what it does mean is that I will always have to work harder at being thin than someone who is graced with better genes than I am. I had a friend in college who never worked out at and ate crap all the time. She weighed 105 lbs. Seriously.
• She also disregards any other emotional issues associated with obesity. Many seriously obese people have equally serious emotional eating issues and emotional issues in general, like poor self esteem. They don't eat that stuff only because they have no self control. They don't not exercise purely out of laziness. I am an emotional eater myself. I know all about using food not as a substance that tastes good, but as a band-aid to deal with issues you just feel you can't deal with any other way. And I know all about not exercising,  not because I was super lazy, but because I basically just felt like I wasn't worth the effort.
• Yet another area she disregards is health and knowledge about health. She started this process healthy. And when she gained 40 lbs, she was still relatively healthy, as 168 lbs is not seriously obese or even seriously overweight. And what's more is, she had knowledge about healthy eating. Many overweight people not only have serious health issues that make exercise very difficult (I know at my heaviest, my joints hurt so much that even walking short distances was difficult at first), but also have very little knowledge about a healthy diet. When you have eaten junk your entire life, it's quite difficult to suddenly know all there is to know about eating clean. Not that they can't learn or also find some exercise that they can do, but just that it is irrational to compare that person with this woman that starts out at a totally different place. 
• I feel like it is offensive to act like weighing 168 lbs is a grotesquely overweight amount. I currently weight about 159 lbs. I've worked my ass off to get there (literally). Are there parts of my body I'm not a fan of? Most definitely. Do I feel like I still have about 20 lbs to lose? Also a yes. But I don't feel like I'm grossly overweight the way that woman was acting. And to compare her weighing 168 lbs and someone who weighs over 300 is laughable in its absurdity. It's just not the same at all. 
• She stated that you can't be overweight and healthy. To a certain extent, I agree with that. If you weight 300 lbs and believe you are healthy, you are deluding yourself. If you don't have health problems now, it's just a matter of time. But she seemed to believe that being healthy at 168 lbs was impossible. I weigh just under 10 lbs less than that. And I am perfectly aware that by the BMI standards, I am still overweight, even obese, because according to the BMI, I should ideally weigh 105 lbs. If I weighed 105 lbs, I would be sick and anorexic looking (but that is another rant entirely). But I am also extremely healthy and fit, much more so than many people who are thinner than I am. Weight isn't the only thing that matters in health.
• There was no mention at all that her "Fat Club" (seriously, that's what she called the group of people that followed her plan) had significantly less success than she did at losing weight, despite several of them having much more weight to lose and so should have consequently lost more weight than she did. She seemed to regard them losing any weight at all as proof that her hypothesis was correct, when really I think it seemed to prove that while chronically overweight people can lose weight, it is a very different matter for them to lose weight than for someone like her to lose weight. And also, on a tangent, I find the name "Fat Club" extremely offensive.
• She is an advocate of just telling random people on the street that they're fat, and even worse, telling overweight kids that they're fat. I guess she hasn't done much research, but fat-shaming has been proven not to work. People don't lose weight because they are made to feel worthless by others because of their weight. They decide to lose weight because they decided they were worth something. I find cruelty like hers completely disgusting. Childhood obesity is a topic that must be addressed, but in a much more compassionate and constructive way than by informing kids that they are fat. That's not helpful; that's schoolyard bullying. 

Basically, I am so disgusted by this woman mainly because she thinks she knows someone purely because of a number on the scale. She doesn't know these people. She doesn't know their stories, their problems, their work ethic, their successes, their eating habits, or anything else. They could be truly wonderful, hard-working people who happen to have a weight problem. Are there lazy fat people in the world? Sure, I'll be the first to admit it. But there are lazy thin people too, just like there are thin people who eat junk food all the time. On a personal note (and a braggy one too lol), I graduated as valedictorian from high school and magna cum laude from college.You don't accomplish those things being lazy and undisciplined. But hey, I weighed an average of about 230 lbs during that time too.  You just can't look at someone and know all about them. It's not right to make such a broad generalization that all fat people are lazy bums with no self-control.

Of course I understand that there is no way for me to be objective about this show. I'm not oblivious to that fact. I am always going to have more compassion and empathy for overweight people than the average joe simply because I've been there myself. I'm glad for that. I think people are more apt to ask me for help because they know I have been in their shoes. But this woman has not ever walked in these particular shoes. She may believe she has simply because she put on some weight for 3 months, but she has no idea. All she proved on her show was that she is a cruel, ignorant person who makes snap judgements about people under the guise of trying to "help" them.  And while that makes me mad, on a deeper level, it's really just sad for her. I would hate to be that kind of human being.  

When life hands you lemons, draw smiley faces on them and start juggling!

I have had several lemon-inspired titles on this blog before, so I decided it was time to come up with one of my own. I'm pretty into it. I kept getting ideas for this post last night, and weirdly, instead of writing them down on a notepad like a normal human being, I scribbled them all over my bathroom mirror in dry erase marker. And this was in the dark, so many of my ideas were barely legible and I had to decipher them this morning. I often leave myself reminders on my mirror, but sometimes I need to be a bit more descriptive. For example, the other day I saw that I had written "Clothes!!" and I was left thinking, "What does it mean?!?" and also wondering if it was something really important or not. But I digress.

Ah January, so we meet again. Not my favorite month, as I explained last year in this previous post. Four years ago this month, my life changed in a pretty traumatic way. It was the darkest period of my whole life and it has taken a long time for me to heal from it. Heck, I'm still healing from it. In the Lifetime movie version of my life (where I would be portrayed by Kristen Bell because a) I like her and b) she already has the right name), I would fearlessly face down my obstacles and demons from day 1 and rise like a phoenix from the ashes to inspire all who know me. I would also probably hate men, as all Lifetime movie characters do. But in real life, while I did face down many obstacles and demons, I coped with them by eating for about a year and a half after things fell apart for me. Pizza was my therapy, and it showed in the 80 lbs I added to my already overweight body. So yeah, real life isn't all rainbows and inspiration sometimes.

It just seems like everything takes more effort for me in January. It's hard for me to work out. It's hard for me to continue to eat healthy, when really sometimes all I want to do is drown my sorrows in ice cream. It's hard for me not to dwell on memories of four years ago. But for the most part, I keep on trucking, if for no other reason, than to prove to myself that I am a drastically different person than I was four years ago. But I've noticed that with each passing year, I do dwell less and less on the person I was before and my bad memories of that time. I think that's because I have more and more positive things and people keeping me grounded here in the present.

What happened to me four years ago changed the course of my life. And sometimes when I'm throwing myself a one person pity party, I think to myself, "This isn't the way my life was supposed to go." I think we are all guilty sometimes of having a picture in our head of how things are supposed to be. I had things all mapped out before, a timeline for everything. I was rigid in my plans for myself, and believed that any kind of detour would mean failure on my part. I couldn't even have told you what I really wanted, what would really make me happy, because I was so caught up in what I should do, what I was expected to do.

I lost a lot four years ago. I grieve for what I lost even now. But I know that regret serves no purpose. The past is just that, the past. You can't change it. I do my best to keep the past from haunting me, and the best way I know to do that is to forgive myself for the mistakes I made then and to keep focused and grateful for all that I have now. Because while I did lose a lot, I have gained great things since then. The truth is that life doesn't go as planned sometimes. But you know what? Maybe that isn't a bad thing. It would be easy to think, "If only this hadn't happened, everything would be perfect." But you can't control cause and effect. You don't know what bad times ultimately caused a good time to come about. I think the bad times I faced in 2011 caused me to become stronger and tougher than I ever could have been otherwise. It made me mentally strong enough to shed 168 lbs eventually. I don't think all the positive changes I have made, all the incredible experiences, and all the amazing people I have met these past few years would have happened if my life hadn't taken a detour then. You have to take the bad with the good. And plus, now I have confidence that I can face anything life throws at me.

January will never be my favorite month. But gradually, month by month, and year by year, the past is loosening its hold on me.

I pour freezing cold water over my head 'cause that's how I roll

My first post of 2015 comes courtesy of me conking the back of my head after falling off the balance beam during my morning run. Okay, I don't actually know if that's what gave me all the brilliant thoughts (cough, cough) that I'm about to share, but I prefer to think that instead of just thinking that my inaugural run of 2015 began with my very own special blend of athleticism and simultaneous clumsiness. It's a mystery even to me.

So apparently the "in thing" to do this year is to think of a single word that represents what you want the new year to be for you instead of a resolution. And we all know I'm nothing if not cool (again, cough, cough). Actually, the thing is that when I looked at my list of goals for this year (I am not just an extreme weight loser, I am also an extreme list maker), they all had one word that tied them together. That word is courage. 

Courage is not something that I am unfamiliar with, though in the past I would hesitate to think of myself as brave or courageous in any way. If I am honest, it's not something that comes naturally to me. Sometimes I feel like as a society, we fail to recognize courage in any form other than to the scale of beating cancer or climbing Mount Everest or running in a burning building to save someone. And it's without a doubt true that those things require immense courage. But there are all different types of courage. Sometimes courage is represented just by a single small step. I like this one quote (you know there had to be a quote in here somewhere) by Mary Anne Radmacher that says, "Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the tiny voice at the end of the day saying, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'" In 2012, I had the courage to start to change my life. Not just by losing weight (though undoubtedly, that was an important and highly visible part of it), but by changing really everything. I went from being a miserable person that I really despised, to being someone who, even though I am not perfect and even though I still have more self-doubt than I would like, I can really respect. The person that I feel like I was meant to be. In 2013, I continued that journey and had the courage to start to realize my own self-worth.  In 2014, I had the courage to keep on dating even after eHarmony was a massive failure. I had enough faith in myself to realize that just because  I didn't find someone on eHarmony didn't mean that I wouldn't find someone eventually. That it didn't mean I wasn't good enough or that there was something wrong with me. And let me tell you, that was a pretty huge realization for me, because at the beginning of 2014, I couldn't say I felt that way. Pretty much, I thought that maybe some people just didn't get to find somebody to be with. That maybe it just wasn't in the cards for me and I needed to learn to live with that. But last summer, I decided I owed it to myself to keep trying. And I found someone really amazing and supportive, someone that sometimes I still can't believe I am lucky enough to get to be with. It's pretty freaking incredible. 

Courage for 2015? I need to have courage in many areas of my life this year. I need to have the courage to actually get to my goal weight. Even though that may sound silly (I mean, who wouldn't want to get to their goal weight?), it will take courage for me to do this because getting to my goal weight and starting the maintenance phase is something I've never done before. It's something that may take trial and error, something I won't be perfect at (and we all know how much I have to battle my perfectionist tendencies). I need to have the courage to get my career back on track. I still have some conflicted feelings about nursing, but if I am honest with myself, I know that is what I am meant to be doing. But that doesn't mean it will be easy. 

I also need to have the courage to cast aside my "fat girl" fears and set new fitness goals. I believe I am supposed to complete a triathlon. I have had many people suggest different kinds of races to me and I have also thought myself about many different kinds of fitness goals, but I keep coming back to the triathlon idea. A sprint triathlon to start, of course. I'm not crazy enough to think I can do an Ironman or anything right away (although, in the future...). The thing is, I'm the type of person who needs a tangible goal all the time. 2014 was all about running. And that was no small thing. I went from running a 5k every day to consistently running 8 miles a day, and sometimes a total of 16 miles a day. But now I'm stuck in a rut with that. My body is used to it, and it's not responding like it did in the beginning. And I'm kind of bored too. So a new challenge like training for a triathlon would serve the dual purpose of getting me out of my rut, and changing things up so my body will hopefully cooperate with getting rid of the last of my extra weight. The thing that is holding me back is my lingering feeling of inadequacy in the fitness arena. It sounds silly, I know. Rationally, I know that not just anyone can run like I run every day. I have no reason to feel not good enough. Rationally, I know that it is well within my ability to train for and do pretty well in a triathlon. But there is still that thought in my head that I am not good enough. That people like me, fat girls like me (because sometimes I do still think of myself that way), don't complete triathlons. And that if they try, they will look ridiculous. I need to have the courage to think, "Do it anyway." Worst case scenario, I do look ridiculous. Maybe I don't finish. Maybe I finish last. At least I will have had the courage to try. I need to tell myself that it's okay if I am not the best at something. 

On my run today, I heard one of my very favorite songs. It's kind of corny, but so am I. The song is called Walk on the Water by Britt Nicole. These lyrics really hit home for me.

You look around, staring back at you

Another wave of doubt, will it pull you under? You wonder

What if I'm overtaken? What if I never make it?

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?

Your insecurities, they try to alter you

But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move

So get out, and let your fear fall to the ground

No time to waste, don't wait, and don't you turn around and miss out

Everything you were made for, I know you're not sure

So you play it safe, you try to run away

Step out, even when it's storming

Step out, even when you're broken

Step out, even when your heart is telling you

Telling you to give up

Step out when your hope is stolen

You can't see where you're going

You don't have to be afraid

So what are you waiting, what are you waiting for?

Today I listened to that song 3 times in a row, just because I needed to hear those words. Or maybe I just needed hear it before I poured freezing cold water on my head. Please enjoy the video of this below. Originally, I had planned to jump in the ocean on New Year's Day, but I just haven't had the chance to make the trip there. So I decided to pour freezing cold water on my head a la the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, which I was pretty sure would accomplish the same sensation (actually, it may be colder since it's been about 70 degrees lately here). Does it take courage to pour ice cold water over your head? Nah, I mean that was just a choice I made that maybe took some balls (for lack of a better word)  or some would argue, some insanity, but didn't require true courage. But I liked what it represented to me. It represented just going for it. After all, life begins at the end of your comfort zone. Yeah, maybe it's cold and uncomfortable, but it also made me feel, without a doubt, alive. And who could ask for more than that for 2015?

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? Ummm, not me

I went to stores and tried on clothes the other day, so you know this post was practically automatically going to be about body image. It's a common misconception that when one (I used "one" instead of "someone" because I'm fancy like that) loses nearly 170 lbs, which is a good-sized person, one would feel good about how one's body looks. And obviously, duh, I feel much better about how I look than when I weighed 328 lbs. I mean, I'm not completely delusional. But I can't say I look in the mirror and think, "Damn, I look sexy today." Actually, I would say that I have never used the adjective "sexy" to describe myself. Adjectives that enter my head when clothed are "decent" or "pretty good." Adjectives that enter my head when looking at myself without clothes are somewhat less flattering and may involve me making an even less flattering face at my reflection.

I had hoped that when I got close to my goal weight, there would be a magical switch that would go off in my head and I would have confidence that I looked good. But the fact is, I'm a bit more than 20 lbs away from that goal, and the switch hasn't gone off. Being this close to my goal weight is great of course, but also has a side effect that I didn't foresee. Always before when I saw something I didn't like about my body, I could say it was okay because when I hit my goal weight, my body would look great. But I'm objective enough to know that now my body is pretty much looking how it's going to look at my goal weight. Yeah, losing 20 lbs may change it a little bit, but for the most part, this is my new body. This is how it's going to look. And I do have mixed feelings about that. I'm not a supermodel by any means. Losing 170 lbs leaves its mark. I wish I could be one of those people that is proud of every stretch mark and bit of loose skin, but I'm not at that point yet. It would be easy to to think that if I had skin removal surgery, I would love how I looked then. But remember, I thought the same thing about losing weight.  I'm slowly coming to realize that having confidence in how I look is much less about losing any specific amount of pounds or having surgery to remove the parts I don't like, and much more about accepting myself as I am, flaws and all. 

I wish I could have an attitude like my boyfriend Brian does. His attitude about his body was somewhat of a revelation to me. He likes his body, simple as that. Not in a cocky or arrogant way, but he just likes how he looks. He doesn't mercilessly mentally pick himself apart every time he looks in the mirror. What a concept! And what's more is, he likes my body. This was also a revelation to me because I had always assumed that anyone I was with would just kind of accept my body because they liked my personality, but that they wouldn't, couldn't, actually like my body. Like the first time Brian said that he liked my legs, I was thinking, "My legs?!? You mean those massive tree trunks I lug around?" But having him and and his healthy body image around has been good for me. Slowly but surely, I am starting to believe that maybe there are parts of me that aren't terrible, that maybe there are parts of me that could even be called beautiful. 

I think I'm also making some progress on being more realistic about what size I am. I've written before about how when I try on clothes, it takes 3 times as long as it should because I frequently start by trying on clothes that are 3 sizes too big since that is honestly how I see myself. But when I went shopping the other day, I grabbed mediums and size 8's because I know that that is probably the right size. Yeah, every now and then maybe I need a size 10 or a large or sometimes even a small because sizes can be crazy, but for the most part, I realize I need to try on an 8, not a 14 anymore. It is still an effort to get the right size because when I look at those clothes, it still seems like they would be way too small for me, like I am one of those delusional women that is trying on clothes in the size they want to be and not the size that they actually are. I even have this one pair of jeans that I own that I know fits great, but still every time I look at them on the hanger it feels like jeans that size could never fit me. 

Sometimes I beat myself up about having lost all this weight and still feeling ugly at times, even 2.5 years into this journey. But the truth is that I have undergone a massive transformation physically, as well as mentally and emotionally. It's not something you get used to overnight. I don't think it's unusual for it to take quite a while to be able to accept all those changes. And also, everyone feels ugly sometimes, no matter what weight they are, be it 100 lbs or 500 lbs or every weight in between. No one feels beautiful all the time. But eventually I would like to be able to look at myself in the mirror, both clothed and unclothed and not immediately see my flaws. I would like to be able to look in the mirror and just think, "This is me. I'm not perfect and that's okay. Those little bits of imperfection just show where I have been and help make me me. I am beautiful in my own way, not anybody else's, and that is enough. I am enough." That would be pretty awesome to be able to think that and mean it. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. 

I did indeed gobble till I wobbled

I admit it, I had the best of intentions about Thanksgiving eating. But good intentions aren't really worth much of anything. Part one of my plan went off without a hitch, but that's because part one of my plan involved eating whatever I wanted on Thanksgiving. And if I'm objective, this didn't actually involve me going crazy and shoving a whole turkey in my mouth or devouring a whole bowl of mashed potatoes. In all honesty, I just ate a moderate serving of everything. Even though that sounds fine, my stomach did not appreciate this at all because it was all rich stuff I am not used to. At this point though, I was still on track with the plan. Where the plan started to derail is when a couple hours later I decided to eat dessert (pumpkin cheesecake!) even though my stomach still felt horrible, just because I felt like I should have dessert and I wouldn't let myself have it the next day. So I ate that cheesecake and then headed to work, where I felt like my stomach was in revolt the whole night.

I wasn't tempted by the work goodies, not because of any superhuman willpower on my part, but because I honestly felt like I never wanted to eat anything ever again. I didn't really eat anything on Friday, so consequently on Saturday my stomach had recovered and I was absolutely starving. Upon arrival at my parents' house, I ate leftovers despite my vow not to do so. I mean, I did eat the turkey sandwich on whole grain bread and stayed away from the mashed potatoes, but I couldn't say no to the stuffing. It had celery and apples in it so it was practically a health food, right? Haha, I wish. This continued through the weekend, me not binging in any way, but not sticking to my regular diet either. What was really stupid is that my stomach continued to feel horrible the whole time, and while I knew full well that returning to what I normally ate would cure it completely, I still ate junk. Not because I was hungry sometimes, but just because I wanted to. I even continued to track what I ate in my handy app, and just kind of shrugged when I saw the calorie count. I kind of felt like I was being a masochist for even wanting to know the calorie count for some of it (does anyone really want to know just how many calories are in mashed potatoes?), but I track no matter what.

Some days I wasn't even over my calorie limit, but I knew the type of food I was eating was not doing my body any favors. And by Sunday, I had gotten to that dangerous place where I thought, "I weigh in Wednesday. The week is shot anyway. I'll just get back on track then." NO, NO, NO....what was I thinking?!? That is such a slippery slope!

So Wednesday morning came, and obviously I knew I had gained. I'm just not the type of person who can eat junk and not gain. But by that time, sanity had returned and I gave myself a talk that I was quite proud of. I told myself that the important thing was that I was owning the number on the scale, whatever it was, and not hiding from it. That whatever the scale said, it wasn't something that I couldn't overcome. That while it was important that I realize where I went wrong, it was equally as important that I didn't continue to beat myself up over it. So I hopped on and saw that 4.6 lb gain. I admit it, part of me resented that number, mainly because I knew some people could have eaten what I did and not gained an ounce. I threw a tiny pity party and thought, "Why can't I have a super human metabolism?" And then a minute later, I was all about getting back on track and doing what was right for my body, not everyone else's.

Luckily for me, part of that gain appeared to have been from excess sodium intake, since by the next day (after consuming tons of water), I had already magically lost a pound and a half. I've been totally back to normal since Wednesday and it feels great to me physically and mentally. Part of me is upset that even after all this time, I still can't seem to get it through my head sometimes that while eating junk feels good while you eat it, it's just not worth it for all the misery afterwards. It's tempting to beat myself up for not completely figuring everything out 2.5 years after I started all this. But I continue to be a work in progress and I always will be. Yes, I ate more than I planned, but I also didn't binge at all, which was not the case 3 years ago. I also continued to run every single day just I normally do. I've come such a long way, and one Thanksgiving weekend can't erase all that I've accomplished.

The holidays don't have to be the season of stretchy pants

Of course this had to be a food-centric post with Thanksgiving just a week away. Here's my thoughts about weight loss around Thanksgiving and the holidays in general: You don't gain weight by overeating on one or two days usually. If you indulge on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's with maybe a few treats sprinkled in between, you're probably not going to gain weight. The problem is that most people seem to view the period between Thanksgiving and New Year's as a food free-for-all. Anything goes! The concept of moderation seems to fly out the window. I know that it can be so hard to keep to your normal routine this time of year with temptations all around, and so very easy to say I'll be good tomorrow, or next week, or after New Year's. It's a slippery slope.

So with that in mind, I decided it would be good to share a few healthy, quick, and easy to make recipes for all those days that are not any of the above holidays. I got a lot of these recipes from my nutritionist. I know some blogs like to post healthy Thanksgiving recipes and that is great for some people. However, for me, I think it would just make me resentful if I replaced my old, admittedly unhealthy, family recipes with new, healthy ones on Thanksgiving. For example, I LOVE mashed cauliflower, but it is just not the same as my Nana's mashed potatoes with Duke's mayonnaise (I know, I know, sounds gross but it is delicious!). I let myself eat whatever the heck I want on Thanksgiving with the understanding that I will not be partaking of any leftovers afterwards. I get right back on track Friday. And actually, I usually don't really overindulge that much because I know how crappy that fatty food that I'm not used to makes me feel. Anyway, here's some of my current favorite recipes that I hope will help you keep on track on the rest of the month! Coincidentally, I happen to have pictures of most of these recipes.

 Chicken Parmesan Meatloaf Muffins

I'm actually makings these tonight! I made a slight alteration because I think it ends up tasting even better if you use half ground chicken and half  turkey sausage mixed together instead of just ground chicken. These are really fast and they freeze great!

Stuffed Peppers

I also made a slight alteration to these to cut down on the calories and make it low carb. I used shredded cauliflower instead of the rice. You just grate some cauliflower and saute it a few minutes and then just treat it the same as the cooked rice. I know it sounds weird, but the cauliflower really does taste like rice with way less calories and carbs. These are very filling. I've also made this same recipe with acorn squash instead of the peppers.

Crab Salad Melts

These are amazing! Plus they seem kind of fancy while being very easy to make. I usually have these with mashed cauliflower (can you tell I'm a bit obsessed with cauliflower?) or boiled squash. To make the mashed cauliflower, just steam the florets of cauliflower until soft and then place in a food processor with a couple wedges of swiss Laughing Cow cheese, a half cup plain Greek yogurt, and some salt and pepper. Or if you don't have a food processor, you could really just whisk all the ingredients together since the cauliflower is so soft.

Restaurant Style Buffalo Chicken Breast

I could seriously eat this every single day. It tastes so indulgent with the bleu cheese, but the great thing is that it's low calorie! Plus, it is extremely fast to make.

Flank Steak Pinwheels

This one is a bit more time-consuming to make, but they are worth it. They're pictured with the mashed cauliflower I mentioned before.

Peanut Butter Protein Cookies

I just made these for the first time the other day. I was a bit dubious of how the protein powder would make them taste, but they were really good! And of course, quick, which probably by this time you can tell is important to me. 

I hope you all will try out a few of these recipes. You don't have to be the bitter one in the corner of the room munching carrots sticks in order to lose weight this holiday season. Healthy food can be awesome tasting too! Please let me know what you think of these recipes, and if you like them, I'll post more soon. Also, I would love it if you would share any good recipes you have!

Being Humpty Dumpty isn't all it's cracked up to be

Terrible pun in the title, I know. I thought about adding in a joking/yolking pun too, but I was afraid then that people might actually start throwing eggs at me. So I actually came up with this post the other day when I was in a very weird/emo mood. I felt like I had to evaluate the contents when I was in a normal mood before posting in order to make sure it a) actually made sense and b)wasn't too crazy. I have come to the conclusion that I actually made some good points, so here goes.

I got to thinking about how all of us have broken parts or healed breaks in one place or another. Some of us just have more visible cracks than others. I was broken in a very visible way. Anyone could tell how very unhappy I was if they took even the most cursory glance at my life. I stayed in pieces for a long time, mainly because I didn't feel like I was worth the effort of putting back together. When I finally did decide I was worth the effort, I initially tried to mold myself and my life into exactly how it was before, when everything looked perfect on the outside. I thought only that result would mean I had been successful. Then I was kind of like, "Hang on, stupid...that didn't work out so great for you before." So I have put myself and my life back together differently now, pieced together a new and different me. Maybe it doesn't look so perfect on the outside. That's okay, I'm far from perfect on the inside too. I'm not all about being perfect anymore though.

I spent a long time being ashamed of some of the choices I have made in my past that led to me being so broken. I just couldn't forgive myself for not being perfect. And really, if I am not willing to give myself a second chance, how can I expect others to? But lately I have come to realize that all of my choices, good and bad, led me to where I am today, and I like that place very much. It would be easy to say that you wish you could take back all those bad choices, and then life would be perfect. But the truth is that you can't control cause and effect. You don't know if some bad choices are what ultimately led to some good choices and outcomes. So my past is just that; my past. For the most part, I have moved past being ashamed of part of it. My feeling is that you can either be bitter about the way things have gone in the past, or you can strive to to make the future better.

The nurse/scientific part tells me that breaks and scars in the human body can only be 80% as strong as they were before (why I remember that random fact from school, I couldn't tell you). But what I am here to say is that emotional breaks and scars are just proof that you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you. That they are a sign of healing. That they enable you to be stronger than you could have ever been otherwise, if you allow yourself to be. My broken places are in some ways my very strongest parts. I am perfectly imperfect, just like everyone else is in one way or another. As the great orator Emilio Estevez once said (haha, such a random person, but I really like this quote), "We are all wonderful, beautiful wrecks. That's what connects us--that we're all broken, all beautifully imperfect."

So yeah, at this point you may be wondering if this post is a result of too many bottles of wine or something. I assure you, it is not. Like I said, I was in a weird mood and this is the result of it. I hope you get something out of it. I'll share one more quote, because a) it's my blog and I do what I want b) if you've read this blog before, you already know that I'm obsessed with collecting quotes and c) I really like this quote too, mainly because Ernest Hemingway is my dawg.