Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Why you gotta be so rude?

Ah, a title tribute to that dang song I can't get out of my head. But besides that, it is also an appropriate title. I got my first (and hopefully last) mean message on OkCupid. Now, this site has been going much better for me than eHarmony as a whole. I'm talking to a few guys and they've been very complimentary. And look, I know you have to love yourself first and all that jazz, I really do, but show me a woman whose self-confidence is not  helped out by a man telling her she's beautiful. She doesn't exist. So anyway, I was feeling pretty good. Fast forward to me messaging this guy who likes to work out a lot. Obviously, I do too. I get a reply back saying, "You're fat. Don't talk to me." So basically kind of like the fears inside my head coming true. A year ago, honestly maybe even a few months ago, this would have totally devastated me. I've always been super sensitive to criticism. I had no self-esteem, so I just basically believed any bad stuff said about me, true or not. I would have accepted what that jerk said as fact, and it probably would have been a very long time before I ever went on OkCupid or any dating site again. I would have completely obsessed over it.

But I'm very proud to say that I am not that girl anymore. Did that comment sting? Yes, it did. I'm human. It hurt, and the particular area of weight will probably always be a sore spot with me. No one wants to have lost 170 lbs and still be told they're fat. But then (maybe because I'm a cornball or maybe just because it seemed like the right thing to do), I looked at myself in the mirror, and said out loud, "You are not fat. You are normal. That guy doesn't know jack shit. Just because he may believe that anybody bigger than a size 2 is fat doesn't mean that you have to buy into it." And you know what? I actually believed it. Like really believed it. After all, was I really going to let one insignificant, sad man-child (because really, that comment was more appropriate from a mean 10-year-old, not a 34-year-old) influence my beliefs about myself more than the many people who have told me that I look great, that I am beautiful? Or more than the guys I'm talking with that have no problem at all with how I look? No way in hell. I'm happy to say that his comment made me pissed off more than anything, much more so than it hurt me. I personally think it's a sign of growth.

So my first thought was that I should just ignore his message because he wasn't worth anything more. But then I changed my mind. I used to let myself be a doormat all the time. I let people treat me however they wanted, even if it was terribly, mainly because I thought that I didn't deserve better. I wanted to stand up for myself this time, and let him know what I thought of him. I knew that most likely it wouldn't matter to him, but this was more for me than him. So I sent him back the following message: "Actually, I'm not fat. But even if that were true, I can always change my weight, while you, however, are stuck being an asshole forever." And then I blocked him. Let me tell you, it felt good. Really good. So while this experience could have been profoundly negative, it had actually been mostly positive. Because when I think about it, my first thought is that I really have changed emotionally. Any doubts I may have about my weight are actually pretty far down the list there. And I have that poor excuse for a human being to thank for it.

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