Life begins at the end of your comfort zone

Ah, this post. It has been permeating (SAT word!) in my mind for the past couple of weeks. Like some of the harder posts I've written before, it demanded to be written even if it was difficult to share. But as you probably know, my philosophy here has been to be completely honest about what is going on with me because I almost always feel better after sharing. I realize over sharing runs rampant these days with Twitter and the Facebook (haha, I sound like an old geezer), but I think I've been pretty reasonable about my sharing. I mean, I haven't shown you guys any crazy naked loose skin pics or anything! I apologize for that image.

Anyway, so today I wanted to discuss dating. Or to be more accurate, my lack of dating. This is kind of embarrassing for me to discuss. I have a mental image of people reading this and putting up a big L for loser on their forehead (do people still do that?). Because I kind of feel like a loser sometimes when I think about how little dating experience I have compared to other 28-year-olds (ahhhh, when I write it out it reminds how close to 30 I'm getting). But what I hope will happen is that some people will read this and realize they're not the only ones who have struggled with this. Some of you may be thinking, "Umm, I thought this was a weight loss blog. What the hell does dating have to with weight loss?" In my case, it has a lot to do with weight loss. I wish I could tell you that when I weighed 328 lbs, I was a confident woman who believed that men could see past my size to the real me. That is what the Lifetime movie version of me would be like. However, I was not that woman, and I am somewhat sad to say that we live in a world where physical appearance plays way too important a role. I'm not going to be so pessimistic as to say that guys who could see past my size don't exist. I'll just say that they are very tough to find. But in actuality, it wouldn't have mattered if a guy like that was right in front of my nose. My goal at that size was to be invisible. I didn't want anyone to see me, didn't want anyone taking too close of a look. I'm going to take this time to have a little Oprah moment: "You get a car, you get a car, you get a car!" Haha, not that kind of Oprah moment. I believe it is very true that you cannot start to love someone else until you love yourself. I know that sounds incredibly cheesy and cliche. However, that doesn't make it any less true. I think a lot of women think that if they can just find someone who loves them, if they can just find someone who thinks they are worthy, then they will start to believe that about themselves. It doesn't work that way. You have to love yourself and believe in your own worth before you can expect others to do the same. When I was bigger, I couldn't even stand to look at myself in the mirror. I couldn't see anything besides my size. I couldn't see past my own size to all the other things that are awesome about me (if I do say so myself). Whether I knew it or not, I gave off a vibe that said, "I'm not worth anything." I couldn't see who in their right minds could possibly want to be with someone like me. And that's just sad. So yeah, as I've lost weight, of course I've started to like the reflection I see in the mirror. But more than that, I've started to see that I have a lot of really admirable qualities. I also of of course have a few not-so-admirable qualities, but so does everyone. And now I finally feel like I am ready to share all of that with somebody else.

Which brings us to....online dating (insert scary music here). I had to be forreal (fake word) with myself on this one. I can say to myself all I want that now that I'm smaller I'll just go start picking up men right and left at bars. Am I more confident? Yes, but the truth is that  I will never be the pick-up-guys-at-bars type of girl. I know online dating gets a lot of flack, but the idea of it appeals to me. I like the idea of dating someone based not just on the fact that we have mutual friends, but based on the fact that we have a lot of common values, likes, and dislikes. I'm not going to lie though. This totally scares the crap out of me. It is outside my comfort zone, but I'm trying to push through. Part of me keeps thinking I should wait until I hit my goal weight to start. But I recognize that that is the unhealthy perfectionist side of me, and that I am good enough right now, not 46 lbs from now. I can't just not live my life until I'm 128 lbs. It's not like that number is magic and when I hit it men will flock to me or something (although that would be awesome). So I am being brave and filling out a profile on Eharmony. Some of the questions are really weird though. A prime example would be the one where I'm supposed to rate how overweight I am. The scale goes from "Not at all" to "Very." I, of course, am completely stressed out about that one and am over-analyzing. I am by no means stick thin, but I'm also nowhere near what I used to be. I decided to go in the middle and put "somewhat," but then I was stressing that guys would see that and just dismiss me from that alone. I guess I probably wouldn't want guys like that anyway. Why can't they just look at my picture and decide?!? And then we get to the "What are you passionate about" question. I mean, am I supposed to put "world peace and long walks on the beach" or something along those lines? It's such a cheesy question that I can't seem to come up with a non-cheesy answer. Hey, if nothing else my adventures in online dating could provide new funny anecdotes.

I hope to finish filling out the profile tonight. I've kind of been procrastinating finishing because when I do that, it means that this is actually happening. I mean, I hope something happens. Of course, a tiny part of my brain (the same part that tells me I'm still not good enough) is saying, "What if no one wants you?" I just tell that part to shut the hell up while I get my date on though. So with that said, I'm jumping in. Watch out world (or more likely, the greater Wilmington area)!

P.S. Like I said, this is kind of freaking me out. Any words of encouragement, advice, or whatever would be greatly appreciated. Yeah, I'm not above needing confidence boosters lol.

Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

How do you all like my new photo collage? I especially like the oh-so-flattering before shot of me with the "Help me!" sign. I took that one when I tried out for The Biggest Loser last year. Hey, I wanted to stand out, and an orange in the mouth and crazed look in the eyes does that for you. Apparently it wasn't enough to actually get on the show though, but maybe I was just too much awesome for them to handle. Hahaha.

I'm going to start out by saying that this post is probably going to serve to illustrate just what an ongoing process my journey is. I say that because it seems like by this time I would have gotten this figured out. But I think  it's really going to be a lifelong thing though. I've been feeling very "all-or-nothingy" (not actual word) lately. Actually, weirdly enough this nursery rhyme just popped into my head about how I've been doing lately. Part of it goes, "And when she was good, she was very very good, and when she was bad, she was horrid." I have no idea how in the world I remember that, or actually where I learned it at all. But it is pretty accurate. The other day would be a perfect example of this. I have decided that I need to start getting up really early to go running outside, in addition to my normal gym routine. Now, I honestly did think this out and contemplated whether it was too extreme to do in addition to the gym. I decided that it was not too extreme. The truth is that these last 48 lbs are not going to come off as easily as the first 48 lbs. If I want this to happen, I have to be willing to put in the work. Anyway, so the other day I started off my day by running a 5k and watching the sun rise. I drank a low carb smoothie for breakfast and headed to work. I was good at drinking my water all day. I went to the gym and did my cardio and strength training. Awesome day so far. But this is where things get dicey. I started thinking about how well things were going, but then that little voice in the back of my head started whispering not-so-healthy thoughts to me. Thoughts like "If eating 1200 calories makes you lose weight, 1000 calories would be even better" or "If having low carb days every other day helps you lose weight, maybe you should do that every day" or "If extra runs are good, maybe you should do them in the morning AND at night AND go to the gym." Obviously, at this point alarm bells were also going off in my head, which partially drowned out the little voice in there (my head is apparently a very noisy place). I see these thoughts written down, and I know that kind of thinking can be very dangerous for me. It is an absolute must for me to maintain a lifestyle that is actually something I can do long-term. If I start getting too extreme, I know for a fact that I will go back to my old ways. After all, that is exactly what happened before. I think a lot of this thinking lately is due to this plateau I feel like I have been stuck on. I lose a little, lose a little, gain some, lose some. It is very frustrating. I feel like this past week, I may have finally busted past it, but I am still irritated. In my rational brain, I know that at the weight I am now, plateaus are common and I am not going to lose large amounts like I did before. However, that doesn't make it any easier to work so hard and see no results on the scale.

And now we get to the "and when she was bad, she was horrid" part of the nursery rhyme. Well, I guess horrid would be a bit of an overstatement. "Naughty" may be more accurate. Yesterday I couldn't do my outside run because it was raining. I did go to the gym, but it was a lackluster effort. It didn't feel like a good day. So since it didn't feel like such a good day, my eating kind of reflected that. I went over to my parents' house and made these little fried peach turnovers with my mom. They were absolutely delicious. Was it okay for me to have one? Of course it was. Treats are fine and important to have in moderation. However, it was not fine for me to eat one right after we cooked them and then eat two more after dinner. They were small, but I still should have only had one. So after that, it felt kind of like yesterday was down the drain (even though I know that is stupid extreme thinking), so I had some popcorn at 10 pm. The popcorn was only about 100 calories, but that wasn't the issue. The issue is that I make it a point never to eat that late, and also that I wasn't really hungry. I was bored. I have got to get it through my stubborn head that one poor decision does not have to automatically lead to another poor decision. Sigh...

What can I say? I'm a work in progress. I am happy that I recognize these areas I need to work on. That means that I can address them before they potentially become more chronic issues. I just need to keep repeating my motto, "If I can't do it forever, then I shouldn't do it now!"

Have some poison with that Twinkie

My family celebrated my sister's 21st birthday this past weekend and I made quite a few not-so-great food choices. My feelings are mixed about this. I scheduled her birthday as my high calorie day because I knew what I would be eating. However, now I feel like I should have limited myself more, high calorie day or not. But at the same time, I have to live my life. I mean, should I always have to miss out on treats? I don't feel like it would be healthy to do that. But add a couple pretty high calorie meals to the 500 calorie slice of Coldstone ice cream cake, and that becomes a pretty big high calorie day. It felt kind of a like a free-for-all. Don't get me wrong, it was all completely delicious, but I felt like CRAP afterwards. That food just sat in my stomach even a day later. I felt sluggish and gross. So was it worth it? I honestly don't know.

It's situations like these where I am still trying to figure out the space in between all or nothing. I'll be honest here. Sometimes, just for a little while,  I want to be like the other people I see eating who don't worry about calories and just eat whatever they want. It's a lot of work to constantly be thinking about how many calories different foods have, and sometimes it's irritating because I can't just turn my brain off calorie-counting mode when I decide to have a high calorie day. It's not possible for me anymore to be able to eat junk and not know exactly how many calories it has, exactly how much sodium, exactly how much scary processed crap. Most of the time this makes me happy, but every now and then, I wish I could just turn that part of my brain off and take a break.

Lately, I have been contemplating not having high calorie days anymore. The problem with that is that high calorie days are actually good for your metabolism because it confuses your body. I think what I really need to do is try to give up junk food high calorie days. I could just have high calorie days where I eat a few hundred extra calories of healthy food instead. Maybe on rare occasions if I was really craving some specific junk food, I could have it then. I'm not making this decision based on weight loss. I don't have enough high calorie days really to affect my weight loss. This decision is more for my mental health. I hate how I feel after eating junk. I feel terrible physically and I also feel terrible emotionally. Eating that stuff also seems to make me more likely to make poor decisions in the days after. The more I focus on clean eating, the worse I feel about putting anything processed in my body. It feels like poison, which is what it pretty much is. The few minutes of pleasure I get from eating junk is not enough to compensate for all those side effects. It's just not worth it.

This post is kind of all over the place, but that's how I'm feeling. It's hard to decide what I need to do sometimes. It's also still hard for me to not see junk food as a reward at times. So sometimes when I refuse to eat junk, it can feel like a punishment instead of the reward it really is. If anyone has any thoughts or advice on this, I'm all ears!

One year later: Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined it would feel this good

One year later. Wow, that is kind of hard to believe. I've been working at this new lifestyle of mine for one entire year now. And I can say with all honesty, this is all a new horizon for me. Have I lost weight before? I sure have, but I did it completely the wrong way and I was back to my old habits and gaining weight again long before a year was up. I've never completely transformed myself not only physically, but mentally as well. I've learned that it matters how you lose the weight, not just how much weight you actually lose. I didn't name this blog The Space in Between All or Nothing for no reason. Finding balance has been a constant lifelong battle for me. Like I've said before, my motto previously had always been "More, better, faster," and if I couldn't do things perfectly and be the best, I did nothing at all. So I count finally learning how to incorporate moderation into my life as just as big, if not bigger, a success than the actual amount of weight I've lost.

In the beginning of this process, I had extremely poor self esteem. I think it says a lot that I had so little confidence in my ability to succeed in losing weight that I didn't even start taking progress pictures until week 6. All I saw was an area in life where I had failed before, and I saw no reason why I wouldn't fail again. I had been overweight my entire life, and it was extremely difficult for me to picture myself any other way. But I knew that I could not continue living the way I was living. I use the word living lightly here because at 328 lbs, my weight had reached such an extreme point that it was difficult for me to do much of anything at all. So I thought I would try to do something differently. I didn't make myself crazy trying to exercise and eat in ways that were not sustainable long term like I had in the past. I didn't feel deprived all the time. My mantra became, "If you can't see yourself doing it the rest of your life, you probably shouldn't be doing it now." The changes started adding up. The pounds fell off. And little by little, a little became a lot. That's where people have it wrong. They think they can never do the same thing as I have done because it's such a large amount of weight. But the thing is, I didn't lose freakish amounts of weight every week. It averages out to about 3 lbs a week. But if you lose 3 lbs a week consistently, it adds up to something much larger. What can I say? It's basic math. That's why I truly believe others can do the same thing.

So fast forward to one year later. No exaggeration here...I'm a completely different person. In one year, I've lost 151.6 lbs. One hundred fifty-one point six pounds (sorry I had to be dramatic here and write it out in italics). So basically, you could say I've actually physically lost a person from my body, though I'm not quite sure who that person would be (Jane Doe?). That amounts to 46.2% of my starting body weight. That's pretty crazy to think about. I kind of wish I could pull an Oprah and wheel out 151.6 lbs of fat in a wagon as a physical example, but I won't because 1) I'm not sure and do not really like to think about where one would acquire that amount of animal fat and 2) that's kind of gross. I'll leave it to your imagination. I can show you what 151.6 lbs looks like on my wall of clothes pins though! And let me just take this moment to say, it takes a lllonnnggg time to write out 200 numbers on tiny clothes pins.

But more than that weight, I've changed mentally. I feel powerful. I can do things I never thought possible. I do 200 sit-ups at a time. I lift pretty heavy weights. I can run. I may not always be the fastest (ummmm never), or lift the most (not with those meathead guys at the gym), but that is okay with me for the first time ever. Being the best is not the point. I respect myself and the person I have become. It makes me so happy to know that I actually am the person that I have always imagined that I could be. I just never knew how to make that person a reality before.

Probably by now you're all thinking, "Just show the dang pictures already woman!" I know that's what you came here for, but as they say, this is my party. I felt a recap was in order here. After all, you can't appreciate where I'm at unless you know where I've been. As you may or may not know (I can't remember if I've shared this before), I take monthly measurements and progress pictures. As promised in my last blog post, I will share this NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE (insert dramatic music here) in this post. We'll start with my measurement changes and prolong the suspense of the pictures a bit longer. I have to confess something here. When I first started, I couldn't wrap the 60 inch tape measure around my chest or hips. I had one inch to spare around my waist. It was a pretty big wake-up call to realize that I was bigger around than I was tall. I think I actually cried when I took that first set of measurements. So here are my measurement changes:

Neck: -3.9 inches
Bicep (one): -8.8 inches
Forearm (one): -1.5 inches

(Yes, I realize the neck and forearm are weird places to measure, but I had to in order to get my lean body mass and body fat percentage calculated.)

Chest: -24.4 inches (sorry gentlemen)
Waist: -24.8 inches
Hips: -30.2 inches
Thigh (one): -14.1 inches (thunder thighs no more; thanks treadmill)
Calf (one): -4.6 inches

When all that is added together (multiplied by two for the body parts that there are two of), that means I've lost a grand total of 141.3 inches. I hadn't added up all the inches in a while, and it was really staggering to me. My body fat percentage was 66.3% when I started this. Basically, I was 2/3 fat. That percentage has dropped all the way down to 26.4%. I looked up what normal percentages are,  and 26.4% is apparently average. For someone who was pretty much off the charts before, that is crazy to think about. I'm also really proud of the fact that I've lost a minimal amount of muscle during this, which proves I've been doing it the right way. Some muscle loss is pretty much inevitable when losing the amount of weight I've lost, but according to my lean body mass measurements, I've only lost 9 lbs of muscle. That means all the rest of my weight loss has been pure fat.

I was going to insert the classic weight loss success picture here, you know the one. The one with the huge old pants. I was aghast to realize this morning that I had not saved any old pants! However, I did hang onto an old coat of mine that was very tight on me at my heaviest. Here it is now:

Moving on to...PROGRESS PICTURES! Like I said before, I've been taking progress pictures every month since week 6. I've got a picture that is around my heaviest, so I use that one as my before shot. Fair warning, they are kind of reminiscent of mug shots, but I wanted to get the front and side views. Please also be sure to admire the high tech (lol) signs showing what week it is in my journey. Here they are:

Front shots:

Side shots:

Pretty cool, right? I have to insert a special thanks to my mom here for being my photographer throughout all of this, not only for these progress pictures every month, but also my 6 month and 1 year pictures. The woman has the patience of a saint. Thanks Mom!

Also, I would like to take the time now to show you some unflattering pictures (haha, like I haven't already done that). I have often been curious about what my face looks like when I'm pushing through a hard workout. So I had my picture taken while working out. Bad idea. I had the vague idea that I probably looked fierce and determined, like Xena, Warrior Princess. Let me just say, I was quite wrong about this. That is, unless your idea of of "fierce and determined" is also your idea of "constipated." Because there is just no other way to describe how I look. So much for the old ego.

Now, so you don't think I'm a lost cause in the beauty department, here are some of the shots I had taken today on the beach. And yes, before you ask, I do model professionally in my spare time. You know, because solidly built 5'1" models are always in high demand.

Obviously, I had to have a jumping shot in there.

Senior portrait shot! *Stares meaningfully into the distance*

Model attitude

Yeah, we definitely got some weird stares on the beach, especially since I may or may not have had my admittedly corny inspirational workout music playing too, but I really didn't care. Haters gonna hate, right?

I was also thrilled to try on my ring this morning, the one that has such special meaning to me but that no longer fit my finger (for more on this story, click here), and see it slide right on my finger with no problem. I had been keeping it on a necklace until it fit me again. That ring has always represented the best part of me and also a promise kept to myself.  To see it back on my finger where it belongs means more to me than I can say. 

So I've got less than 50 lbs to lose until my goal weight now. My journey does not end there though. I may reach my goal weight, but this is how I am living the rest of my life. And unlike previous "diets" (which this is NOT!), that thought doesn't make me want to hurl and/or scream. This lifestyle is totally livable.

I want to thank the Academy (oops, guess I was having an Oscar moment there), I mean, all of you, for being so incredibly supportive of me. Whether or not you have been there for me in person (ahem, thanks to my family for putting up with some truly weird recipes and taking endless pictures, and my friends for dealing with my sometimes irritating nutrition requirements) or there for me virtually (shout-out to my Destination Skinny and other Facebook peeps), I can't tell you how much it means to me. I really think me sharing my journey and getting such an awesome response from people has played a huge part in my success. I had always tried to "go it alone" before and that never worked out. Reading your comments and hearing how I have inspired some of you keeps me feeling strong and motivated.

One of my goals now is to pay it forward. I'm not saying I have all the answers. I most certainly do not. I'm still learning every day. But I've learned so much through this process that I just can't help but feel driven to help other people change their lives too. I have such empathy for people trying to lose weight. It can feel so incredibly hopeless and daunting when you need to lose a lot of weight. The task seems insurmountable at times. You also feel very alone, and I want to show people that they are not alone. I know the phrase "If I can do it, you can too" has been used so often that it has gotten to be a cliche, but the fact remains that it's true. I've been where these people are, and I have such a passion to show them that it doesn't have to be that way, that they can choose another way. So if you're reading this blog and you want to chat, just comment here or message me on Facebook and let me know. I would be more than happy to talk with you.

I know this post has been super long, but I hope you enjoyed it! The blog continues as I venture on into year 2! More hijinks and hilarity are sure to come. I'll end with a picture of my awesome mirror motto.

In case you can't read it, it says, "You must make the choice to take a chance so you can change your life."

Sleeping situps and stomach stroking: My week of weird behaviors

This past week has been truly crazy. It could have been a complete disaster for me weight-wise. But it wasn't. I lost a pound this week. The old me would have been like, "A pound? That's all?!? Failure." And I'm not going to pretend like the new me isn't a little disappointed. But the bigger part of me knows that I'm 150 lbs smaller than I was this time last year. Obviously I'm not going to drop 6 or 7 lbs per week like I did in the beginning. It still is a bit galling to know that I could drop that kind of weight at the start while barely working out at all, and now I can only drop a pound while killing myself in the gym 2 hours a day, 6 days a week. Oh well! It's the price of being smaller.

So like I was saying, this week was crazy. I was planning my mom's retirement party for Saturday and there were like a million things I had to get done. I got a combined total of 4 hours of sleep over 3 nights. I forced myself to the gym those days because I knew the last thing I needed was to get off my routine again. I actually closed my eyes for a little nap while simultaneously doing sit-ups. I was that tired. It probably looked pretty special. I can't say they were the best work-outs ever, but at least they happened. My food intake was pretty sporadic. I didn't eat as often as I should have, and when I did eat, they were family meals that weren't great calorie-wise. But I controlled myself. I didn't go crazy eating, and I didn't force myself to sit in the corner eating a carrot while everyone else got to eat cake. I mean, that's been my whole goal here, to create a program where I can actually live my life and not be constantly resentful of the food I can't have. So after all that, I'm pretty happy with my weight loss this week, plus it brings my total to over 150 lbs lost in almost a year. That's pretty crazy to think about.

I thought I would share a weird and funny new habit of mine. Like I've said, my weight loss has slowed down as I've gotten smaller. But I've really been focusing on strength training and working on my ab muscles in particular every day, so the inches are really flying off.  I can actually feel stomach muscles. And in my upper abs, I can actually see the muscles! I can also feel my ribcage even sitting, whereas before I couldn't even feel it while stretched out on my back. Those ribs were buried under mounds of fat like a secret treasure is buried under the sand. You're so welcome for that visual. Now don't get me wrong, there's still some muffin top issues, but much less than before. Before it was more like one of those mega muffins from the grocery store. So lately without even realizing it, I keep putting my hand on my stomach. It's like I'm reassuring myself the muscles are still there. It probably looks weird, but it is a totally unconscious thing. Hopefully no one thinks I'm pregnant since the only people I know who constantly touch their stomachs have a bun in the oven. I'm also happy because the other day I suddenly realized I was sitting with my legs crossed. I had just been doing that lately without even thinking about it. I know to a lot of people that wouldn't be anything to get excited about, but to a girl who could barely even cross her ankles before, it is pretty awesome.

Next week, next Wednesday to be exact, will be one year since I started this crazy adventure. In one short year, I have changed my entire life. I plan on posting all of my monthly progress pictures on here next week, as well as the pictures I'm having taken later this week. I've only posted my beginning and 30 week pictures on here before, so most of these are never before seen shots! Haha, I thought I would be dramatic there like they do on reality shows or something. But seriously, it's pretty cool to see all the pictures lined up month by month. Plus, you can check out my sure-to-be-cheesy beach photo shoot from later this week. Hey, I've earned a cheesy photo shoot!

One week does not a catastrophe make

You know, I get a lot of people telling me that I am inspirational. Normally, that makes me feel pretty good. I'm not telling you this in order to brag. I'm telling you this because the truth is that I have felt pretty far from inspirational lately. I've been in a truly funkalicious funk ("Funkalicious" was my second choice for a title, so I still wanted to incorporate it into the entry). And that doesn't exactly inspire me to write in this blog very much. For all my talk about wanting this blog to be about sharing my successes AND my failures, let's face it: it's way more fun to write about the successes. I mean, it's not exactly on the top of everyone's to-do list to share with the world where they have screwed up. And as a recovering perfectionist (haha), it's really not on the top of my to-do list.

But then I got to thinking (always dangerous). What does it really mean to be inspirational? Sure, some of it is about having success. Obviously more people tend to take notice when you say you've lost 150 pounds in a year than if you said you had lost 15 pounds. But I think it is about more than that. People aren't perfect. Frankly, I don't think most people really gain a lot from having other people talk about how they are perfect. It's also pretty annoying in my opinion. I think people get inspired when they can see themselves in someone else's story. I think in my case, people see in my blog that I am far from perfect. They see that I have slip-ups. They see that I still battle with old habits and ways of thinking. But I think what most people take away is that despite all those imperfections, I have still had quite a bit of success. And I think that makes a lot of people believe that they can do this too. So I think maybe being inspirational is less about being perfectly successful, and more about letting down your guard and letting people see that you can have success even with a million little mistakes along the way. It's about being imperfectly successful. And yes, I just made up that term.

So with that in mind, I think it's important I share with you what's been going on with me lately, even if that's not too flattering. It has been kind of a perfect storm for a funk. It started with me getting a cold and having some pretty severe asthma problems as a result. I probably needed to go to the doctor for steroids, but I avoid those devil drugs at all costs. Consequently, my asthma problems didn't clear up as fast as they probably could have. I couldn't go to the gym for an entire week. Well, I guess I could have gone, but I wasn't really in the mood for out of control wheezing and a possible ambulance ride to the hospital, which probably would have been the result. So, strike #1: no gym. During this time period, my computer decided to shut down on me. My computer, which allows me to upload my calorie burn and input my food log for the day, and charge my Bodybugg. The machine which allows me to type in my blog. My computer, which I normally use to access other weight loss blogs and sources of inspiration for me. All gone. Strike #2. Finally, we have the fact that I have been frustrated due to the fact that I've basically been the same weight (up and down a bit every week) for a good six weeks now. Super frustrating. Strike #3...welcome to my funk. So I made excuses for myself. I could have very easily added up my calories for the day using good old fashioned pen and paper. Yet I didn't. I made the excuse that since I didn't have my computer to do my Bodybugg stuff, I just wouldn't count calories. At this point, a very loud alarm should have sounded, to the effect of, "Danger! Danger! Stupid idiot who needs accountability!" A softer version of that alarm was there, but I chose to ignore it. I was busy feeling sorry for myself about not being able to go the gym. Instead of focusing on the things I could control, like my nutrition, I focused on the fact that I couldn't work out, which I decided meant I couldn't lose weight. So why bother counting calories? Stupid, stupid girl. My all or nothing mentality reared its ugly head again there. I couldn't do everything right that week, so I decided to do nothing at all. It's not that I went completely crazy with my eating. I probably didn't even go that far over my calorie goals. It's not what I ate, it's how I ate it. I ate when I wasn't hungry. I ate when I was bored. I did not practice mindful eating. A recipe for disaster. It's a very slippery slope indeed.

So I gained weight last week. No surprise. It killed me that I couldn't go directly to the gym to work extra hard after I saw that number. It scared me. I don't ever want to be afraid of what that scale will say again. I spent too many years suffering from that particular fear. So I turned things around. I did what I could, even if it wasn't perfect. I got back to the gym Sunday, and didn't act like a crazy manic person. I did what my body told me it needed. And this week, I lost weight. Am I proud of last week? Nope, but like I said in the title, one week does not a catastrophe make. What is important is that I haven't given up. I've realized where I went wrong, and I am powering through. That's what I want people to take away from my blog. I may make mistakes along the way (plenty of them!), but I refuse to give up until I reach my goals.

Google as a form of self-validation? You heard it here first

I've gone back and forth over whether to post this story, until I decided it was stupid to waste this much time over it. It is embarrassing to me, but I have always said that I would be honest in my blog and not leave embarrassing stuff out.

I went to the beach on Monday, which, living in a beach town, I have done 10 million times before. What I have not  done before was have to get rescued by a lifeguard. Seriously. Lifelong swimmer here, and that actually happened. I went out past the breakers and was just kind of drifting while treading water and chilling out, when I got caught in a riptide. Now as a person who grew up at the beach, I know very well what to do if that happens, but since I was not trying to actively swim, I wasn't even aware I was in a riptide! I didn't find that out until the lifeguard (with difficulty) swims over to me and tells me that a riptide had pulled me too far out. He asked if I needed help getting back in, and I initially said I would be fine by myself. I mean, I'm training for a freaking triathlon! How strong could a riptide possibly be? Obviously, I had never experienced one before! I started trying to swim and got approximately nowhere. It was really weird! So after a few minutes of that, I accepted the lifeguard's offer to pull me in. On the way back in, I became acutely aware of just how fast and far that riptide had pulled me from shore. Crazy!

Was I scared? No, but only because I didn't know I was in trouble until help had already arrived. So it wasn't like I was brave or anything. I felt fear when I got to shore and knew how far out I had been and realized what could have happened. But mainly what I felt was major embarrassment. All my fat girl insecurities came rushing back. Now in my head, I know that riptides can be a problem for even strong swimmers. Actually, I made sure of that fact by Googling "Can riptides overcome strong swimmers?" when I got home (true story!). I mean, I saw evidence of it when the lifeguard was having some trouble swimming. I've been feeling more and more confident about being in good shape. What's more, I've been swimming laps in the pool regularly. This incident made me doubt myself and it made me afraid other people would doubt me. Like, how good of shape could she possibly have been in if she had to be rescued by a lifeguard?

But then I just got mad at myself. Not mad about what happened, but about how I was allowing it to affect me. I think the word allowing is very important here. I did not have to let what happened affect me in such a negative way. I did not have to let the doubt creep in and try to cripple me. I was allowing that to happen. As in making that choice. Even a passive choice is still a choice. And choices like those were ones the old me would make, not the new me.

Did a lifeguard have to rescue me? Yes, he did. Does that fact take away all my fitness accomplishments these past months? Nope, those are just the same as they always were. I've not suddenly morphed into the person I was this time last year. And looking at what happened objectively, I can see evidence of the new me as well. When the lifeguard asked if I needed help, the old me would have insisted on doing it myself no matter what. Accepting help has never been my strong suit, which has been to my detriment before. The new me tried on my own for a bit, recognized that I did need help, and then asked for it. Sounds simple, but it represents a complete change in thinking for me. After I got back to the beach safely, we had a picnic supper. This could have been very bad. While I did have a whole grain sandwich packed, there were also chips and cookies available. I've said before that I am an emotional eater. I say without hesitation that the old me would have been shoving chips and cookies in my mouth like there was no tomorrow after being embarrassed like that. But the new me stuck with my original plan. I ate a few chips and 2 cookies, like a normal human being.

After supper, I decided to venture out back into the water. This was also a change from the girl I used to be. The old me would have obsessively thought about what happened, what could happen, what might happen to such a degree that the fear would have prevented me from taking a single step into the water for a very long time. I could not allow that to happen. I love the ocean, and I would not allow fear to take that away from me. So I got "back in the saddle" (so to speak) ASAP. I thought, what is the worst thing that could happen in a riptide? You could drown, right?  I needed to deal with that fear. So I wasn't going to be crazy and go find another riptide to get caught in (haha!). I decided to keep diving under big waves and embrace that fear, instead of running from it. I mean, not that I was actually trying to drown (obviously) but diving under a big wave can be quite chaotic and scary. It worked. I love the water as much as I ever did.

I'm not going to pretend that some embarrassment about what happened does not linger. I still have feelings that this incident proves that I am still not good enough. The difference now is that I refuse to allow those feelings to dictate my behaviors. It's okay to have those feelings. It's not okay to let them try to take away all I have worked for and accomplished. The ocean and I will continue our lifelong friendship, despite this little mishap. Next on the to-do list this summer? Surfing!

Also, I saw this picture on Facebook yesterday and I thought it was so appropriate and true.