Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? Ummm, not me

I went to stores and tried on clothes the other day, so you know this post was practically automatically going to be about body image. It's a common misconception that when one (I used "one" instead of "someone" because I'm fancy like that) loses nearly 170 lbs, which is a good-sized person, one would feel good about how one's body looks. And obviously, duh, I feel much better about how I look than when I weighed 328 lbs. I mean, I'm not completely delusional. But I can't say I look in the mirror and think, "Damn, I look sexy today." Actually, I would say that I have never used the adjective "sexy" to describe myself. Adjectives that enter my head when clothed are "decent" or "pretty good." Adjectives that enter my head when looking at myself without clothes are somewhat less flattering and may involve me making an even less flattering face at my reflection.

I had hoped that when I got close to my goal weight, there would be a magical switch that would go off in my head and I would have confidence that I looked good. But the fact is, I'm a bit more than 20 lbs away from that goal, and the switch hasn't gone off. Being this close to my goal weight is great of course, but also has a side effect that I didn't foresee. Always before when I saw something I didn't like about my body, I could say it was okay because when I hit my goal weight, my body would look great. But I'm objective enough to know that now my body is pretty much looking how it's going to look at my goal weight. Yeah, losing 20 lbs may change it a little bit, but for the most part, this is my new body. This is how it's going to look. And I do have mixed feelings about that. I'm not a supermodel by any means. Losing 170 lbs leaves its mark. I wish I could be one of those people that is proud of every stretch mark and bit of loose skin, but I'm not at that point yet. It would be easy to to think that if I had skin removal surgery, I would love how I looked then. But remember, I thought the same thing about losing weight.  I'm slowly coming to realize that having confidence in how I look is much less about losing any specific amount of pounds or having surgery to remove the parts I don't like, and much more about accepting myself as I am, flaws and all. 

I wish I could have an attitude like my boyfriend Brian does. His attitude about his body was somewhat of a revelation to me. He likes his body, simple as that. Not in a cocky or arrogant way, but he just likes how he looks. He doesn't mercilessly mentally pick himself apart every time he looks in the mirror. What a concept! And what's more is, he likes my body. This was also a revelation to me because I had always assumed that anyone I was with would just kind of accept my body because they liked my personality, but that they wouldn't, couldn't, actually like my body. Like the first time Brian said that he liked my legs, I was thinking, "My legs?!? You mean those massive tree trunks I lug around?" But having him and and his healthy body image around has been good for me. Slowly but surely, I am starting to believe that maybe there are parts of me that aren't terrible, that maybe there are parts of me that could even be called beautiful. 

I think I'm also making some progress on being more realistic about what size I am. I've written before about how when I try on clothes, it takes 3 times as long as it should because I frequently start by trying on clothes that are 3 sizes too big since that is honestly how I see myself. But when I went shopping the other day, I grabbed mediums and size 8's because I know that that is probably the right size. Yeah, every now and then maybe I need a size 10 or a large or sometimes even a small because sizes can be crazy, but for the most part, I realize I need to try on an 8, not a 14 anymore. It is still an effort to get the right size because when I look at those clothes, it still seems like they would be way too small for me, like I am one of those delusional women that is trying on clothes in the size they want to be and not the size that they actually are. I even have this one pair of jeans that I own that I know fits great, but still every time I look at them on the hanger it feels like jeans that size could never fit me. 

Sometimes I beat myself up about having lost all this weight and still feeling ugly at times, even 2.5 years into this journey. But the truth is that I have undergone a massive transformation physically, as well as mentally and emotionally. It's not something you get used to overnight. I don't think it's unusual for it to take quite a while to be able to accept all those changes. And also, everyone feels ugly sometimes, no matter what weight they are, be it 100 lbs or 500 lbs or every weight in between. No one feels beautiful all the time. But eventually I would like to be able to look at myself in the mirror, both clothed and unclothed and not immediately see my flaws. I would like to be able to look in the mirror and just think, "This is me. I'm not perfect and that's okay. Those little bits of imperfection just show where I have been and help make me me. I am beautiful in my own way, not anybody else's, and that is enough. I am enough." That would be pretty awesome to be able to think that and mean it. I'm not there yet, but I'm working on it. 

I did indeed gobble till I wobbled

I admit it, I had the best of intentions about Thanksgiving eating. But good intentions aren't really worth much of anything. Part one of my plan went off without a hitch, but that's because part one of my plan involved eating whatever I wanted on Thanksgiving. And if I'm objective, this didn't actually involve me going crazy and shoving a whole turkey in my mouth or devouring a whole bowl of mashed potatoes. In all honesty, I just ate a moderate serving of everything. Even though that sounds fine, my stomach did not appreciate this at all because it was all rich stuff I am not used to. At this point though, I was still on track with the plan. Where the plan started to derail is when a couple hours later I decided to eat dessert (pumpkin cheesecake!) even though my stomach still felt horrible, just because I felt like I should have dessert and I wouldn't let myself have it the next day. So I ate that cheesecake and then headed to work, where I felt like my stomach was in revolt the whole night.

I wasn't tempted by the work goodies, not because of any superhuman willpower on my part, but because I honestly felt like I never wanted to eat anything ever again. I didn't really eat anything on Friday, so consequently on Saturday my stomach had recovered and I was absolutely starving. Upon arrival at my parents' house, I ate leftovers despite my vow not to do so. I mean, I did eat the turkey sandwich on whole grain bread and stayed away from the mashed potatoes, but I couldn't say no to the stuffing. It had celery and apples in it so it was practically a health food, right? Haha, I wish. This continued through the weekend, me not binging in any way, but not sticking to my regular diet either. What was really stupid is that my stomach continued to feel horrible the whole time, and while I knew full well that returning to what I normally ate would cure it completely, I still ate junk. Not because I was hungry sometimes, but just because I wanted to. I even continued to track what I ate in my handy app, and just kind of shrugged when I saw the calorie count. I kind of felt like I was being a masochist for even wanting to know the calorie count for some of it (does anyone really want to know just how many calories are in mashed potatoes?), but I track no matter what.

Some days I wasn't even over my calorie limit, but I knew the type of food I was eating was not doing my body any favors. And by Sunday, I had gotten to that dangerous place where I thought, "I weigh in Wednesday. The week is shot anyway. I'll just get back on track then." NO, NO, NO....what was I thinking?!? That is such a slippery slope!

So Wednesday morning came, and obviously I knew I had gained. I'm just not the type of person who can eat junk and not gain. But by that time, sanity had returned and I gave myself a talk that I was quite proud of. I told myself that the important thing was that I was owning the number on the scale, whatever it was, and not hiding from it. That whatever the scale said, it wasn't something that I couldn't overcome. That while it was important that I realize where I went wrong, it was equally as important that I didn't continue to beat myself up over it. So I hopped on and saw that 4.6 lb gain. I admit it, part of me resented that number, mainly because I knew some people could have eaten what I did and not gained an ounce. I threw a tiny pity party and thought, "Why can't I have a super human metabolism?" And then a minute later, I was all about getting back on track and doing what was right for my body, not everyone else's.

Luckily for me, part of that gain appeared to have been from excess sodium intake, since by the next day (after consuming tons of water), I had already magically lost a pound and a half. I've been totally back to normal since Wednesday and it feels great to me physically and mentally. Part of me is upset that even after all this time, I still can't seem to get it through my head sometimes that while eating junk feels good while you eat it, it's just not worth it for all the misery afterwards. It's tempting to beat myself up for not completely figuring everything out 2.5 years after I started all this. But I continue to be a work in progress and I always will be. Yes, I ate more than I planned, but I also didn't binge at all, which was not the case 3 years ago. I also continued to run every single day just I normally do. I've come such a long way, and one Thanksgiving weekend can't erase all that I've accomplished.

The holidays don't have to be the season of stretchy pants

Of course this had to be a food-centric post with Thanksgiving just a week away. Here's my thoughts about weight loss around Thanksgiving and the holidays in general: You don't gain weight by overeating on one or two days usually. If you indulge on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's with maybe a few treats sprinkled in between, you're probably not going to gain weight. The problem is that most people seem to view the period between Thanksgiving and New Year's as a food free-for-all. Anything goes! The concept of moderation seems to fly out the window. I know that it can be so hard to keep to your normal routine this time of year with temptations all around, and so very easy to say I'll be good tomorrow, or next week, or after New Year's. It's a slippery slope.

So with that in mind, I decided it would be good to share a few healthy, quick, and easy to make recipes for all those days that are not any of the above holidays. I got a lot of these recipes from my nutritionist. I know some blogs like to post healthy Thanksgiving recipes and that is great for some people. However, for me, I think it would just make me resentful if I replaced my old, admittedly unhealthy, family recipes with new, healthy ones on Thanksgiving. For example, I LOVE mashed cauliflower, but it is just not the same as my Nana's mashed potatoes with Duke's mayonnaise (I know, I know, sounds gross but it is delicious!). I let myself eat whatever the heck I want on Thanksgiving with the understanding that I will not be partaking of any leftovers afterwards. I get right back on track Friday. And actually, I usually don't really overindulge that much because I know how crappy that fatty food that I'm not used to makes me feel. Anyway, here's some of my current favorite recipes that I hope will help you keep on track on the rest of the month! Coincidentally, I happen to have pictures of most of these recipes.

 Chicken Parmesan Meatloaf Muffins

I'm actually makings these tonight! I made a slight alteration because I think it ends up tasting even better if you use half ground chicken and half  turkey sausage mixed together instead of just ground chicken. These are really fast and they freeze great!

Stuffed Peppers

I also made a slight alteration to these to cut down on the calories and make it low carb. I used shredded cauliflower instead of the rice. You just grate some cauliflower and saute it a few minutes and then just treat it the same as the cooked rice. I know it sounds weird, but the cauliflower really does taste like rice with way less calories and carbs. These are very filling. I've also made this same recipe with acorn squash instead of the peppers.

Crab Salad Melts

These are amazing! Plus they seem kind of fancy while being very easy to make. I usually have these with mashed cauliflower (can you tell I'm a bit obsessed with cauliflower?) or boiled squash. To make the mashed cauliflower, just steam the florets of cauliflower until soft and then place in a food processor with a couple wedges of swiss Laughing Cow cheese, a half cup plain Greek yogurt, and some salt and pepper. Or if you don't have a food processor, you could really just whisk all the ingredients together since the cauliflower is so soft.

Restaurant Style Buffalo Chicken Breast

I could seriously eat this every single day. It tastes so indulgent with the bleu cheese, but the great thing is that it's low calorie! Plus, it is extremely fast to make.

Flank Steak Pinwheels

This one is a bit more time-consuming to make, but they are worth it. They're pictured with the mashed cauliflower I mentioned before.

Peanut Butter Protein Cookies

I just made these for the first time the other day. I was a bit dubious of how the protein powder would make them taste, but they were really good! And of course, quick, which probably by this time you can tell is important to me. 

I hope you all will try out a few of these recipes. You don't have to be the bitter one in the corner of the room munching carrots sticks in order to lose weight this holiday season. Healthy food can be awesome tasting too! Please let me know what you think of these recipes, and if you like them, I'll post more soon. Also, I would love it if you would share any good recipes you have!

Being Humpty Dumpty isn't all it's cracked up to be

Terrible pun in the title, I know. I thought about adding in a joking/yolking pun too, but I was afraid then that people might actually start throwing eggs at me. So I actually came up with this post the other day when I was in a very weird/emo mood. I felt like I had to evaluate the contents when I was in a normal mood before posting in order to make sure it a) actually made sense and b)wasn't too crazy. I have come to the conclusion that I actually made some good points, so here goes.

I got to thinking about how all of us have broken parts or healed breaks in one place or another. Some of us just have more visible cracks than others. I was broken in a very visible way. Anyone could tell how very unhappy I was if they took even the most cursory glance at my life. I stayed in pieces for a long time, mainly because I didn't feel like I was worth the effort of putting back together. When I finally did decide I was worth the effort, I initially tried to mold myself and my life into exactly how it was before, when everything looked perfect on the outside. I thought only that result would mean I had been successful. Then I was kind of like, "Hang on, stupid...that didn't work out so great for you before." So I have put myself and my life back together differently now, pieced together a new and different me. Maybe it doesn't look so perfect on the outside. That's okay, I'm far from perfect on the inside too. I'm not all about being perfect anymore though.

I spent a long time being ashamed of some of the choices I have made in my past that led to me being so broken. I just couldn't forgive myself for not being perfect. And really, if I am not willing to give myself a second chance, how can I expect others to? But lately I have come to realize that all of my choices, good and bad, led me to where I am today, and I like that place very much. It would be easy to say that you wish you could take back all those bad choices, and then life would be perfect. But the truth is that you can't control cause and effect. You don't know if some bad choices are what ultimately led to some good choices and outcomes. So my past is just that; my past. For the most part, I have moved past being ashamed of part of it. My feeling is that you can either be bitter about the way things have gone in the past, or you can strive to to make the future better.

The nurse/scientific part tells me that breaks and scars in the human body can only be 80% as strong as they were before (why I remember that random fact from school, I couldn't tell you). But what I am here to say is that emotional breaks and scars are just proof that you were stronger than whatever tried to hurt you. That they are a sign of healing. That they enable you to be stronger than you could have ever been otherwise, if you allow yourself to be. My broken places are in some ways my very strongest parts. I am perfectly imperfect, just like everyone else is in one way or another. As the great orator Emilio Estevez once said (haha, such a random person, but I really like this quote), "We are all wonderful, beautiful wrecks. That's what connects us--that we're all broken, all beautifully imperfect."

So yeah, at this point you may be wondering if this post is a result of too many bottles of wine or something. I assure you, it is not. Like I said, I was in a weird mood and this is the result of it. I hope you get something out of it. I'll share one more quote, because a) it's my blog and I do what I want b) if you've read this blog before, you already know that I'm obsessed with collecting quotes and c) I really like this quote too, mainly because Ernest Hemingway is my dawg.

Cheating on my blog...shame, shame, shame

I'm 2 weeks into my forced sabbatical from running. It is almost physically painful for me not to run in this beautiful weather. Walking just isn't doing it for me. I feel like I'm in running withdrawal. I've thrown myself into strength training, making myself do that for the same amount of time I used to invest in running. I'm trying to like it, but it's never going to have the same enjoyment factor as running does for me. I'm kind of just getting through it and hoping I have some hard-core guns (or maybe at least like small pistols) to show for it in a few months. Also, strength training kind of muddies the waters of terms of weight loss. I am proud that I'm still losing at all not doing any cardio, but it's not much and I'm not sure how much of that is due to decreased activity and how much is due to increased muscle. Who knows? I guess we'll see when I do my measurements in a few weeks.

Also, I have to confess that I have been cheating on my blog. Yes, there is another blog in my life. And let me tell you, it's hard to keep up with 2 blogs (it's why I've been slightly slack with this one lately)! It's worth every minute though. I applied to be a contributor on another healthy living blog a couple of months ago and was selected. So for the next 5 months, in addition to this blog, I will also be posting on I'mperfect Life. There are 8 of us contributors, and I really like it because we have different ways we lost weight and we are all at different stages of our weight loss. There's someone that everyone can relate to. I'm pretty excited to get to share my story with an even wider audience and connect with even more like-minded people. The whole philosophy at I'mperfect Life is "Real food. Real fitness. Real life." That lines up perfectly with what I have tried to do this entire time. I hope you guys will check out some of my posts there and some of the other posts too!

There's a dead horse here and I am weirdly insisting on beating it

Who made up that saying about a dead horse anyway? It's really weird if you stop and think about it. Anyway, I know you guys are probably sick of hearing about my sickness (haha), but I promise you're not as sick as I am of having it. I had fully planned on writing about something else, but then I went back to the doctor this past week. And what happened there was so bad that I had to share. My breathing was terrible when I tried to "run." I use the word "run" here very loosely because it was really more like me starting to run, wheezing like I had just run 100 miles, and then having to walk. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered if I was actually harming myself by running as opposed to just making myself uncomfortable, but I quickly shoved that thought away in favor of my favorite form of cardio. I figured I was already resting as much as I was willing to by doing 4 miles instead of my usual 8. I was also really, really tired. Like so tired I needed a nap every day. I felt like I should be better than that after finishing my course of antibiotics and steroids. So back to the doctor I went, though I put it off as long as possible because I was kind of scared of what he would say.

I was right to be scared. My chest x-ray showed that I still had pneumonia. But the worst part, the absolute scariest part, is that I am not supposed to run for AN ENTIRE MONTH. 30 days, no running, no cardio of any kind. I am limited to a mile slow walk per day, and I had to talk the doctor into that because he thought I would overdo it (me, overdo things?!?). He said after a month I could slowly work my way back into running. This completely freaked me out. I've already been pretty limited in my running for the better part of a month while being sick, and now I hear it's going to end up being a total of at least 3 MONTHS by the time I get back to normal? Since I started losing weight I have never gone longer than 2 or 3 days without doing some form of cardio, and 99% of the time I do cardio every single day. Between that and the stupid steroids making me want to eat like a truck driver, I really don't feel in control. Before I always felt like if I had a bad week weight loss-wise, it wasn't a huge deal because I could always just buckle down and work harder. And now I'm limited to buckling down and...slowly walking a mile? I was all pumped up and ready to literally work my ass off now to get to my goal weight too.

Sometimes I wonder if I use my runs at least partially as a way to literally run away from who I used to be. Honestly, I'm not sure if that's healthy or not. I just don't know. What I do know is that when I wake up at 4:30 and get out there and run mile after mile, it's like an affirmation that I am no longer that sad, unhealthy girl who wanted to sleep as much as possible because life was just too hard to be awake for. I think that's why I find it so hard to rest, because it brings back some of those feelings even now, years later.

So I spent a couple days feeling sorry for myself. I gave myself permission to do that because there was no use pretending this wasn't a pretty big blow. And then I happened to read a quote that was exactly what I needed to hear, when I needed to hear it, as has happened so many times before to me (really, it's kind of eerie).

How fortunate are those among us who have the ability to turn things around - to transform liabilities into assets. Life deals them lemons: they make lemonade, lemon pie, candied lemon peel. They seem to be able to assess the needs of the moment accurately and turn them to advantage.

I am determined to be one of those people. No, I have no control over my running right now, but I do have control over how I respond to this situation. I can do my 1 mile of walking. I can focus on strength training, which I always seem to place on the back burner. I can do yoga, which I have thought would be good for me many times, but never seemed to find the time for. I can get the rest my body needs right now, even if it makes me feel lazy. I can make sure I stay on track with my nutrition and not use this set-back as an excuse for emotional eating. This is probably going to sound like it belongs as a monologue in an inspirational sports movie or something (probably because I have an inexplicable fascination with that genre of movie), but I really do believe it is when things are not going perfectly that you show what you are truly made of. Anyone can maintain a positive attitude when things are going their way, but it's much harder to keep that positive attitude when things start to fall apart. I'm trying to rise above my present circumstances. 

Okay, enough of the sappy, motivational crap. I know a person can only stand so much of it before they want to hurl. So yeah, I hope you see why I had to address this topic yet again in my blog. I just couldn't bring myself to write about some random topic and then at the end be like, "Oh by the way, I can't do any form of aerobic exercise for a month. Not that that's a big deal to me or anything. Not like it didn't almost literally cut my heart out hearing that news." This next month should be, if nothing else, at least very interesting. Really, if for no other reason than me looking hilarious trying to attempt yoga poses. 

Seriously, nurses really do make the worst patients

I am terrible at being sick. Ask anyone who knows me. Not only do I stubbornly refuse to do things that would be in my own best interest, but I am also (I'm sorry for the language, but there's really no other way to phrase this) a stone cold bitch when I am sick. It's terrible because I know that I shouldn't expose my bitchiness to others and I would honestly just prefer being left alone with no one but my cats to verbally abuse, but when you have asthma issues like I do and also have pneumonia, being alone is not a smart option. Even I will admit to that much.

It's weird because I would never tell any patient of mine to do the things I do when I'm sick, but I somehow rationalize it to myself. Like telling myself that one day off work is sufficient for pneumonia and an asthma exacerbation. Or that I don't need to use my nebulizer every 4 hours because it makes me feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin. Or the biggest one of all: that I can still work out when I'm wheezing like someone's chain-smoking uncle. Not smart. Really not smart. I tried to work out on Thursday, just 2 days after I went to the doctor. That ended quite badly. I did indeed demonstrate some modicum of good sense and stuck to walking and the elliptical after that disaster, until today. Then I decided I needed to get back to running 8 miles right this second. Yes, it would have been much wiser to slowly build back up to 8 miles. But I think the combination of not really working out at all (or at least not anywhere even close to what I normally do) and feeling like I've eaten way too much because of the steroids (even though looking back at my food log, I've actually done pretty well) caused me to panic a little bit. About my weight obviously (although weirdly enough I actually lost a little weight this week....my body continues to remain a mystery to me), but also just how it felt to sit on the couch a lot and rest. Rationally, I know this does not mean I am doomed to slip back into my old ways. But emotionally, it's a whole different story. How I "lived" before is so frightening and just downright unacceptable to me now that I completely flip out over anything that reminds me of that life or anything I think would lead me down that road again. It makes me act a little cray-cray (yes, I did say cray-cray) sometimes.

Running 8 miles this morning was stupid. Not only was it pretty much the crappiest and slowest run ever, but my lungs have been paying for it all day. I lost my perspective somewhat. I guess I still have a bit of that "all or nothing" mentality, but at least I'm calling myself out on it. Running 2 or 3 miles instead of 8 for a little while is not going to kill me, or even start me back on a bad path. Likewise, resting more than normal does not mean that I am a lazy couch potato. I am definitely on the mend (thank goodness!), but I have got to give my body a chance to get back to normal. And I have got to learn to give myself a break! Sometimes it's not all about pushing beyond your limits. Sometimes it's just about knowing and respecting your limits.